Post originally published on Reddit.
First. Sorry for the way I wrote this. Writing it this way I’m really embarrassed by all this and it was the only way I could convince myself that I could post it, even anonymously. Just bear with me, okay?
This starts in a stupid, embarrassing way. I’m 23, but my doc decides he wants to do a prostate exam during my physical. (Quick question – isn’t that like twenty years early?)
Okay. So he pushes in and it is the first time anyone’s ever been in there. Like ever. And two things happen within three seconds: I get idiotically, you-could-bend-a-steel-bar-around-my-dick, stupid hard. And I groan. Involuntarily and explosively and horrifically.
My doctor laughed his ass off. I mean laughed, and told me it was okay. “Really,” he says. “It’s pretty common” he says.
But his face tells me it’s not that common.
Dutifully, I went to the internet and looked this shit up. The web fucking loves it some straight guys getting off on their prostate. “So okay,” I say to myself, “let’s buy a fucking drumstick and do this thing.”
So I go to a music store and buy a pair of drumsticks, talking incessantly about what a goddamn professional drummer I am, and how fucking necessary it is for me to own some drumsticks right then, as if the guy behind the counter could see into my soul, perfectly aware that I was going to shove one of those sticks right up my ass when I got home.
I knew. He knew. The guy driving the bus knew. The drumsticks sat in that bag like the fucking One Ring, bending space around it. I had guilty secrets, stolen form the Gods, and I was going to fuck myself with them.
So I get home and I do all the stuff. Lube, stick, push, feel, POW.
Shit like cum, but not cum, some kind of watery fluid slips out of me in a big knot and feels fucking magnificent. Right out of the tip of my purple-tipped cock.
(Another question. Purple tip. Normal when super-hard? Or am I going to give myself a blood clot or something? This is new for me.)
It keeps coming, and the feeling gets better and better. I stop jerking off. (Oh, another note: I was jerking off.) My face gets hot. I realize I’m blushing. My chest blushes, too. That’s new. All my muscles tense up under my skin. They’re probably fucking blushing by now, too. I’m a big, red, purple dicked, autoerotic machine, pounding this drumstick into my ass while my GF is at work, feeling like a fucking idiot.
My balls get this frozen cold sensation, and grip up into me, terrified of what’s about to happen (I would assume).
At which point I actually, literally, honest-to-god it’s apparently not just a stupid phrase, see goddamn stars. Little colored lights. My head rushes. I cum so hard I actually scream. Not like a girl, I scream like an extra in 300. I scream like someone lifting a Buick over their head.
Long story short it was the best orgasm of my life. And later that night, I had sex with my GF and the comparison was… I mean she’s sexy and wonderful and we have(had?) great sex, best so far, she’s awesome, but it didn’t compare.
Next day, more drumstick. This time with porn. Porn gets shut off ten minutes in. I don’t need anything else. I’m a fucking prostate monk, austere in my faith.
More sex with GF. She knows something’s up. Maybe not “I FOUND OUT MY BF IS FUCKING HIMSELF WITH SURPLUS MUSICAL EQUIPMENT WHAT DO I DO?” up, but she knows.
I keep the drumsticks on the nightstand like the fucking purloined letter. I say they’re for her. But I can kind of tell she’s not buying it. She knows I’m not as enthusiastic about sex.
Fast forward three months. By now I’ve graduated to a full-on cock-shaped dildo stuck to the bedroom wall. Ass up, head down, biting a pillow. Believe me, I don’t get this either. Why cock shaped? Because I wanted something thicker and I figured if I was going to be fucking myself on a daily basis, I might as well get over any lingering homophobia that might be clinging to my soul.
Okay, serious time. I’m not gay. I’m not Bi, either. I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with being either. In fact, it would be super convenient if I were Gay, because then I could tell my GF that I’m gay, and get fucked on a regular basis. I don’t know what to do about this. GF tries to seduce me a few times a week and I go along with it. She cums… and so do I, but it’s not fun for me. I lost interest in her. It takes me forever to cum.
No, using a plug doesn’t do it. It has to be an “in out” motion, not just a brick in my rectum. No, my GF wouldn’t peg me if I asked her about it. I brought it up, hypothetically, in terms of “something I found on the web.” Her reaction was not promising. I’m not going to say she’s homophobic or anything, but she has very traditional views of what men and women are supposed to be like, and writhing like a demon while a huge cock slides up into your hole is not what the man is supposed to do – so she says, anyway.
And the problem is also that I just don’t want to fuck her anymore. I want to be fucked. And even though I’m not attracted to men, I’ve considered breaking up with her (first, obviously, no cheat-o) and hooking up with guys. But even that isn’t something I want to do, because I love her (we’ve been together for almost a year) and I love being with her. Just not “BEING WITH” her.
So what do I do? I want to be a normal boyfriend. But I also can’t deny that I am sexually oriented to being fucked, and not fucking. I cum without touching myself. I don’t even WANT to touch myself. Doesn’t that mean something obvious?