I Don’t Think You’ll Ever Know How Much You Hurt Me

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I fell for you with a swiftness I was ill-prepared for. I prided myself on always being the responsible one – the person who took her time and didn’t just blindly follow her heart. Always the logical one in any given group, I didn’t allow my emotions to cloud my better judgement.

Maybe that was stupidity that I thought of as rationality. Because nothing could have readied me for the devastation of losing you.

I reached a point where I didn’t even think anyone was capable of breaking my heart. Or, at least not the way you eventually did. Not the way you ripped it from my chest. I didn’t know pain like that even existed.

But now I do.

Even the strongest person can be torn apart.

I don’t drink alcohol, but discovered what it means to be drunk on someone’s presence. I counted moments until seeing you, collected our memories and stored them under my bed. I planned out a future that included nights by the marina and trips for two to Thailand.

There was so much I wanted to do with you. There was so much about you that made sense to me. Even if the act of falling in love didn’t. You, and your importance to me, were crystal clear.

So, I stopped looking at things mathematically. I pushed aside red flags, things that I would have immediately warned friends about. You occupied my bed, my mind, my entire body. The idea of us ending didn’t once occur to me.

And then you left. Just like that. Without an explanation. Without a reason I could wrap my head around. There was nothing logical. No evidence that could back up why you felt you had to.

I used to read about hurricanes and why some people don’t evacuate, despite having ample warning. I wondered if I knew how things would turn out, would I have fled you? Or would I would have stayed, hoping the storm would die out?

But the damage was done. I sat on my kitchen floor and fucking cried until I couldn’t breathe. I wanted an answer, a remedy, something concrete. But love doesn’t always give you those things. And heartbreak damn sure doesn’t.

I think I was just another girl you tried to make things work with. I think I was just a chapter, one that you don’t even think of too much anymore.

You’ll never know you left a shattered home. Your absence is the greatest tragedy I’ve ever known. TC mark

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