When Your Diagnosis Feels Like A Death Sentence

Bianca des Jardins
Bianca des Jardins

How do you explain to somebody that you have so much energy you can’t think, can’t speak, can’t sit still for more than a couple of seconds at a time? You have millions of thoughts but can’t form a sentence. You feel as if you’ve just had 10 shots of caffeine or you’ve just snorted a line – you’re ready to go out and make the most of every damn second because life is wonderful and you are so incredibly blessed to be here spreading happiness everywhere you go. You’re the life of the party and you love making friends, you want to change lives. You are confident and outspoken and don’t have a care in the world — it’s their problem if they don’t agree with you right? $600 on camping gear… No worries! 3 speeding fines in 24 hours… I guess that’s life! Staying out til 4AM sinking beers when you start work in an hour and a half… Sounds like a brilliant idea!

And then how do you turn around a week later and attempt to put into words the emptiness that now replaces every single bit of positivity you once felt? How do you tell your mum or your best friend about all of the shameful things you have done, the panic attacks that hold you hostage and the regrets that are now eating you alive? How do you tell them that you can’t possibly get out of bed or leave your house — that merely taking a shower wears you out? How do you tell somebody that you no longer wish to exist, that the thought of ‘accidentally’ running your car off the road and into a tree is more appealing than waking up the next morning and having to face your life?

How are you meant to tell the people you love that you are mentally ill when you still question it yourself?

I am yet to find out. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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