I Wish I Could Hate You

I wish I could hate you.

Some weeks before I visited I applied for a new job in my company. A more interesting one. A better paying one. One I wanted so badly. And I got the call today. I made it. And I’m happy. And guess what? I wanted to call you in the first place and tell you about that and that I’m happy. But why? You’re not interested in my life. Some weeks ago I wasn’t even thinking about to share something like that with you anymore. You became a part of a beautiful memory a long time ago. One I could go back to when I was feeling down. Someone special I met down my way. But still a memory.

I wish I could hate you for inviting me again. For showing me you’re someone I still do care so much about. Even if you’re a mess. But I do even like the messy parts about you.

I wish I could hate you for not being interested in my life like I am in yours. For making me feel like a fool for everything I did and for everything I’m still doing. For writing these words. I’d never write it for someone over here. I’d be too afraid that I could scare someone away, that someone could laugh. Or just because I’ve never felt how it feels to lose someone I really do care about, twice.

But you’re far away.

Even if I would scare you away, it wouldn’t change a thing.

Even if you laugh, I wouldn’t hear it.

So I’m just writing these words because it’s the only way to show you that I’m still trying. That I’m still missing you.

I wish I could hate you for not seeing that I’m trying, for not understanding what I’m saying and for not appreciating any of it.

You just keep saying that it all doesn’t make sense. How do you know? Do you just not want it to make any sense because you don’t want me in your life? Why can’t you just say it then?

I wish I could hate you for not being here, giving me a hug and telling me that everything’s going to be OK again.

But I don’t know…would you do if you were here?

I don’t know if it’s just me you keep pushing away or if you push away everyone who gets close. But I know that it hurts. It really does.

I wish I could hate you for stepping back into my life. For making me fear that it will take me a long to forget about you again. That it will a long time for my heart to be OK again.

I wish I could hate you.

But I never will.