I Had An Abortion, And I Am Not Ashamed To Talk About It

Anno Málie
Anno Málie

It was Christmas Eve when I found out. I remember waiting for the day to arrive- not with anticipation for the jolly holiday filled with gifts, and family, and food, but because Christmas Eve was the day I was supposed to start my period. About two weeks prior, my boyfriend and I had had unprotected sex for the very first time. Condoms were always our method of birth control; I had a strict “safe sex or no sex” policy for the two years we’d been together.

That was until one night- when it just happened. The condoms were in the same beside drawer we had always kept them in. I knew that. He knew that. But…in the moment…it just happened.

Neither of us said anything.

It was new. It was exhilarating. It felt damn good. It made me feel closer to him than I ever had before. I loved it. I loved every minute of it.

It was the biggest mistake of my life.

It won’t happen to me.
People do it all the time.

Until you wake up one morning, and you become one of the terrifying statistics. Until something as horrifying as teen pregnancy slaps you across your delicate little face and suddenly, it has happened to you.

Suddenly, this is your reality.

Suddenly, you aren’t the same unbothered teenage girl who only worries about what to wear to her boyfriend’s football game on Friday. Suddenly, you have a baby growing in your belly. Suddenly, you sustain life- a life that you created. A life that is yours.

A life that you do not want.

And now suddenly, you have to choose between life or death.

I knew as soon as the stick read “pregnant,” that I was going to get an abortion. I knew that at just 17 years old, I didn’t want to be a mom. I didn’t want the responsibility of being a mother nor did I want the stigma of being “the pregnant girl.” I had a whole life planned for myself that didn’t involve having a baby.

Call me selfish- I sure as hell know I am.
Call me whatever you please, but I am choosing to be a voice.

Teenage pregnancy is real; it is not just something you see on TV or in movies or your parents tell you horror stories about. It is very real, and all it takes- is one time. One time and your entire life is changed forever. Choosing an abortion was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Before I got pregnant, I preached pro-life. I believed abortion was only acceptable for a woman who was raped or in extreme circumstances. I was pro-life, until it happened to ME.

See, that’s the funny thing about life- we all think we know what we WOULD do IF it happened to us. We think we have all the answers. We think we have it all figured out, until it actually fucking happens to you and everything you thought you knew and everything you thought you believed in- is shot straight to hell.. Do I think about the baby I could have had every time I see a pregnant woman? I do. Does it make me sad sometimes? It does. Much like having a child, an abortion is something that stays with you forever. And that is something that I, myself, have to live with. But my favorite question of all- “do you ever regret it?”

I never quite know how to answer that. All I can say is this: I wish very much that it never happened to me, but if it were to happen to me again now at 21- I would choose the same thing.

As a woman, I am not ashamed to speak out about my abortion; it is my duty. TC mark

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