There are still days when I miss you, days when I wish I still had you even just as a friend, days when I wish I hadn’t done what I have done. Most days, I hate myself for it. But some days, like today, I realize just how much better it is now that the inevitable has already happened.
I loved you, or at least I thought I did. I said that last part because now, looking back, I realize just how naïve I was. How I yearned so much for the love that I didn’t deserve, and how I was so selfish, to the point that I even had you believing that I was something that I wasn’t, all because I loved the feeling of being loved by you.
That’s the thing. I loved the feeling of being loved by you.
I’m sorry for putting you on the line just so I could have what I yearned for. I’m sorry for manipulating you and reciprocating your feelings just so I wouldn’t lose all your attention. But most of all, I’m sorry for letting you think that what had happened – the tragedy that was us – was your fault when really, I knew how tragic it was right from the start. Yet I just stood there accepting your adoration and waiting for the inevitable to come. I was always the kind to constantly need validation and attention, and you gave me both.
If I had met you now, four years and about ten bars up the maturity level meter later, I never would have let things go the way they did. I would’ve stopped the moment I began seeing how wrong it was. But I let you love me at my worst.
Seeing you after so long only confirmed just how terrible I was to you. Your face didn’t light up the way it used to when you caught sight of me, and I swear, right from where I was standing, which was at least ten feet away from you, I could feel you throwing daggers in my direction, and it hurt. It hurt so badly.
As much as I want things to straighten up between us, I know that I deserve nothing even remotely close to that. You were hurting, while I was just there enjoying the drama, loving that I was, once again, the center of your life. Which is why I am writing this letter. I know that nothing I do will ever be enough to make up for the pain that I had caused you, but I want you to know that I am paying for the trouble that I put you through ten times over.
Thank you for loving me, even when I was at my worst.