This Is How I Finally Healed From You

I’ve heard you cause trouble, but you’re so kind and thoughtful. So handsome. Charming. I don’t believe the rumors.

It’s been a few weeks; I can hardly believe you’re interested in me. I don’t like sneaking around, but you make me feel so wanted. You’ve become one of my closest friends. It’s awkward to be around our other friends and pretend nothing is happening behind closed doors.

I realized I love you tonight. I told a friend, she wasn’t shocked. Seems like I was the last to figure it out. I wonder if I should tell you. Would my love be worth it to you? Would you stop keeping me a secret?

I need a break. You’re shattering me. I can’t keep doing this.

I just want to quit, but I think I really don’t want to. Because I love you, and you don’t quit on people you love. But you’re bad for me. Right? You need healing, and so do I. Why am I being patient? My heart wants to be patient and wait for you to heal, but what if you shatter me again? Will my feelings fade? Because I just want you. It feels easier to quit than to press on.

Do you know that I’m still here for you? Do you know that if you needed something, I would drop the world for you? Stop running.

How do you love someone while trying to forget about them?

You hurt me, and you don’t care. I want to make you care. I want to make your life hell, but that isn’t fair to you so I won’t. I don’t want to be the same girl I used to be. I’ve grown, and I still have a lot left to do.

I’m not good for you, but you destroyed me.

You had me fall for you with your charm and your jokes. I didn’t want to; I wasn’t looking to meet anyone. Must less fall in love. That’s why I’m so mad. You’re so good at what you do and you caught me. Hook, line, sinker. You knew what you were doing. I was warned.

Every barrier around my heart had been slowly ripped down while on this journey, and you snuck yourself in and wrecked me. I let you and kept coming back for more.

I wasn’t the first, and I wasn’t the last.

You are content to sit in your brokenness and you dragged me down with you. I hope that our mistake will be the catalyst for real change in your life. I hope one day you realize how much you hurt me, and every other girl.

I am working to realize that I am enough.

I’ve always felt that way, like I am never enough, and I think that’s how you roped me in. All I think when I see you now is that I wasn’t pretty enough, or smart, or charming, or nice, or sexy enough. I look in the mirror and see the mistakes, I see failure.

You walk around like nothing is wrong and it kills me. Seeing you every day is too much for me. It infuriates me. I’m trying to be grace-filled, but I’m not yet.

You destroyed me, and you don’t care. I’m learning how to give grace, but I can’t to you. Not yet.

You make it look so easy.

I lost one of my closest friends. For me, you were someone I counted on. I depended on you, leaned on you, and confided in you. That’s gone now.

Every time I see you, I rage inside. One day, that will end and I will have peace. But not today.

Just know that I still love you, but I won’t forever. I can’t go back to you again. I can’t let you continue to rip me apart. You cannot drag me down anymore. I need to move forward, and so do you.

I’m learning to let you go.

I want you to miss me as much as I miss you. Some days all I want to do is cry from missing you so much.

I hate you. I hate you because I love you so much and you could care less. I was a piece in your game. You got what you wanted, and now you’re onto the next one. If I could trade every, single good memory I’ve ever made with you for the promise of never seeing you again, I would do it.

You’re never going to change. You don’t want to. You have too much fun playing your games.

Were we ever even friends?

I saw you today and my stomach still dropped. I managed a civil conversation and count that as a victory.

I am free. I am healed. I am strong. I am enough.