The Cycle Of Sleeping With Someone Forbidden

Jaan
Jaan

This is how it starts: You receive a text or two here and there but you think nothing of it — he was probably drunk and he’s your boss. Every morning after, it’s as if nothing happened.

Until that one night, you’re feeling extremely lonely and of course – you’ve had a drink, or two, or five.

This time, the text is more intriguing, and you begin to think less of him as that annoying older brother.

Finally you meet up. At first its awkward but after a few more drinks you’re both non-stop talking and laughing. You can’t stop catching long glimpses of each other, sneaking in a touch randomly and speaking very close to the other’s ear as if you are sharing the biggest secret.

The second the check is paid for – you’re rushing to the car, unable to contain your excitement and urge. It happens, after all the months of (unsure) sexual tension, it finally happens.

And it is the greatest feeling.

The text messages after that put you on cloud 9. You loved your previous boyfriend, but after the breakup you stopped feeling anything – sexy, confident, satisfied.

He changed everything.

He tells you how great you are, how amazing the sex is, how sexy he thinks your body is. You show up at work in your cutest outfit knowing he’s constantly watching. He sneaks in a touch here and there and your body shivers with excitement. He begs and begs and begs to meet up with you. He caters to you and you know your his favorite.

It remains a secret, making it that much more fun. No one can know – he’s your boss…and he’s married with a kid.

Constant thoughts run through your mind. You adore the attention, you love the sex, you feel so great when you’re around him.

Then the sex ends and you immediately remember that he’s running home to his family. You will be forgotten about for a few hours, he will not lay with you in bed after and rub your head, he will not call you to check on how your day was.

He will never take you on a date, he will never leave them.

You’re used to one night stands, hook up relationships (that are DEFINITELY – as you are reminded constantly – only hookups) that last years. This isn’t your first rodeo.

You feel a mix of happy, appreciated, wanted, sexy and ignored, taken advantage of, pathetic.

You never wanted to be that person.

Thinking about him and his relationship makes you never want to get married – yet you continue to do it.

You can’t stop, you are addicted. You start to feel jealous whenever you see him innocently talk to another woman, you start to feel depressed when you don’t hear from him for hours, you begin to question your life, your decisions and your self-worth.

Then he texts you – he begs for pictures, he tells you he’s been thinking about you all day and you are back on that cloud as if you didn’t just fall 1000 feet into the abyss.

You have deep conversations at night and you feel that much more connected. At the same time though, you know you have the upper hand. You know deep down he craves you, he needs you and he can’t leave you alone. But that doesn’t always work.

In the end he will always choose them.

In the end, he will ignore you – he will be rude to you to show you how much he doesn’t care, he will constantly remind you that this is his game and you are just a pawn.

You have a few choices. You can stop it, you can say no, you can say go fuck yourself instead of fucking me – but you know deep down he will find another girl and your ego, your neediness, your wants can’t allow that to happen.

You will feel sick, you will constantly wonder where he is and who he is with. OR you can keep up the charades with the possibility of getting caught and having your entire world crumble around you. You will look like the slut, the home-wrecker, the disgusting little girl that couldn’t control herself.

Or you keep it going and you don’t get caught. Eventually he will end it and he will break your heart into a million pieces. No matter the outcome, you lose. How do you get yourself into these situations is a constant question running through your mind.

You’re in it now and you’re in it deep. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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