To The Man I’ve Loved And Always Will

The first time you’ve approached me, I know there was something beneath you. Some connection only I or us can feel, new yet deep, like gravity who draws me towards you, electricity that strikes back to the bones within me, an instant spark. I have never talked too much nor share almost all of my thoughts from just one question, especially from someone I have just met. This is what I’ve questioned myself from that moment on. This is where it all started.

Right from that moment, I’ve wondered why I felt that I could share anything with you. “Maybe you were my soul mate?” I made another grin as I was talking to myself. Another helpless idea from a hopeless romantic. Yes, I am and I will never be ashamed of that. It’s the only idea that’s keeping me alive. I believe that soul mates exist. I wasn’t planning anything to be with you, but then this curiosity strikes me whenever you’re around. What is this force? What is this electricity that I am feeling? Soul mates.

They said that soul mates were separated by Zeus when he saw those two souls with four legs, four arms, all in one head and in one body. Zeus thought of them as invincible, so he separated them. They were meant to spend the rest of their lives searching for that other half. You know what’s the sad part? Some say you might not even find that other half in an entire lifetime. Some say that if you two were meant to meet for a purpose, It’s just a wake-up call, to shake your core and get into your nerves to learn something or to accept change. After that? It’s all done. You were not meant to be forever. Who knows?

The days passed by, we met at the same place talking about anything. I thank our office for if it weren’t there, we haven’t met at all. I started to observe myself then and now and how I act whenever you were around. Each day was a bliss. Still, I have tried to hold on to my feelings for I have somebody else.

Until that one day, you’ve asked me if I have someone in my life. I would never lie to you, and so I told you the truth. Still, we hit the same spot like nobody else matters. Things went fast. We’ve exchanged numbers, text messages and even emails at work. You were always there waiting for me after shift to talk about our mind-blowing clients and get a relief from each other’s laugh. Each day gets more exciting since we get to know each other more and more.

The days passed by, you confessed about how you felt and so I did too. We have reached to the point where the only thing I have to do was to leave him so that we can live happily ever after. I never believed in fairy tales, but I know that with you I can do anything, we can do anything. With you, we can survive anything. You were that one person I know I can share all my thoughts without omitting any single detail, without having to add perfume to my stories. You were that one person who can calm me whenever my minds flowing like an ocean with a tidal wave. You have shown me what it feels like to be taken care of. You have shown me how it feels to be in love again. The type of love that teenagers have. Wild and Intense, Deep and adventurous.

You are my peace, my inspiration, my calmness, my cloud nine, my drug, my weakness and my strength at the same time. The days when I don’t feel like nothings good going on in my life, just one text from you, one smile or just the image of you in front of me can make me feel good again, can keep me going back to track. We have that spark, that connection I was looking for that I have never felt for him. I felt it from you right on the first day we have talked. And those were the things that kept me running out dry. I knew it was love, not just a fling. I’ve let the days passed by, months went on, just to see if that cloud nine feeling would fade, but it did not!

I have lost myself long, long time ago. It was from loving someone I never had any connections with right from the start. It was all because of me giving out everything without receiving anything in return. I know he loves me, but -It’s been three years now in that relationship, but why do I feel like this? It’s like I don’t know him? He never listens to me. I am always hesitant to tell him about my day, my emotions and my despair. I have tried to speak to him regarding this, but EVERY TIME it will always end up with a fight and I will always end up crying myself to sleep with no one to talk to nor to comfort me. I have never gained anything emotionally.

You have offered me an opportunity to be with you always, to make the most out of myself, to be happy, to be single with you, to get back to track, to get back what I have lost – It’s myself. That idea was absolutely perfect! Believe me, up to now, whenever some things going on with my life, I still daydream. I have already created scenarios at the back of my mind like i just got a new job, traveling from your place to my new office, going home tired but no matter how bad that day would be when I get home, I’ll see your smile, your presence, your voice, that warm cuddle of yours against my skin. Thinking about this can already take away whatever negative emotions i will have that day. What more if it’s the real thing???

Things didn’t work out that well. Things won’t always go our way and only God knows the answer to this. I wish I could have met you when there was nobody else in my life. Maybe the time when I was a little younger when I don’t care about heart breaks at all. The time where in shielding my heart wasn’t an option to cover my heart from all the pain that life has thrown at me. The moments wherein I have let my guard down -but had been broken a thousand times. Or maybe that time would be two to three years from now where in he would be on a closed chapter of my life. Or maybe our chapter wasn’t really meant to be written at all? Maybe what I needed was just an assurance about us, from you. Maybe I was just too afraid for a change, a heartbreak, another despair, another unknown path. I left my job. At that time, I didn’t know what to do. I’m craving for an answer, a sign from God. I love you, but I’m afraid. My prides on top. I’m afraid of the unknown, the future, the possible heartaches again, the-what ifs…

I miss you. I miss myself staring at your face. I miss how you will always ask “Why are you looking at me like that?” And I will just answer “Nothing.”

I am neither good with explaining my thoughts nor speaking it out loud but let this be. I just kept on asking myself how opposite our traits are yet the connection is extraordinary and deep. Whenever I look at you I wonder “Where have you been all my life. Why just now? Why do I love you? What is it with you that keeps me insatiable of your presence?” I miss those debates that we have about small issues that I have within myself. How you can convince me with your deep-thinking-filled-with-emotion answers, but at times you will just let me win the argument. I will surely miss those days wherein you will always cook for me. The way you will always run heading to the kitchen just because the food smells burnt. And the reason for this? We were having a good conversation that even I, forget about it either. The way I share my food cravings and you will always support it, then I will always ask you if you can handle this? And why does every time you will always have an exceptional answer for those questions – that makes me fall in love with you even more. Those nights wherein we get good beers as you play the piano and sung for me? How I will always demand on you to finish the whole song and you will just laugh at me on how impatient and bratty I am.

I wish I had the courage to tell the world how much I love you and how much I am hurting right now. But I can’t. Maybe that same shield guarding my heart is the main reason of it all. Maybe I’m just not that brave enough to speak what I feel. Maybe I don’t have the courage yet for a change. Still, I chose to be silent. I can still love you secretly in a way where nobody knows or won’t even have a clue when in the inside, I’m dying. Dying to hold you and to touch your face once more.

But I know that would be selfish. Let this be my agony. Agony from the lack of courage to do that one thing we have ever wanted when the answer was clear enough. I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I have to let ‘us’ go. You deserve to be happy in the arms of someone who can do those things that I can’t. I’m still not closing my door for you. You will always be welcome. Maybe it’s not just the time for us. Who knows? But for now.. We’ll just go on and live with our everyday lives. Happiness is what you deserve even if that doesn’t include me at all.

You were right, I am the only person who can fix this and I don’t need to seek courage from someone else. Maybe then I will have the courage to do what is right and hope that if it comes, yours is still open. I love you and I will always will. Thank you for everything. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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