It happens like this. It happens sooner than you thought it would. Like nothing. Like all of a sudden, it is a feeling warm and exciting, and somehow calming. It is slowly seeping into your bones, like it has been there all along, just waiting for you to listen. You cannot believe it is happening already. You two met in a bar that is not exactly a dive, but not exactly clean. You stumbled over your words, and he laughed at your awkwardness. That night you let him spend the night, and you slept in his arms.
This does not necessarily mean anything, but you feel safe, like you belong there.
You are terrified. This is not supposed to happen yet. You’re not supposed to like someone. You are still in the shadow of the last boy you loved. He still holds a piece of your heart, although you’re not sure what that means now. You think of his hands, big and strong, and his eyes that once were kind, and now just cause you pain. He still causes you pain. That hasn’t died. But he is so much more like a stranger now. You look at new pictures on his Facebook, and don’t recognize the person you’re staring at. It looks like he’s playing a role. But it’s none of your business.
He’s a ghost, a vision, a thought, but not a real person to you anymore.
It is a strange place, still hurting, but hopeful. This new guy is different, it is weird, and it is wonderful. Crushes are so innocent, until they blow up in your face. But this moment makes you feel alive. Someone who holds your hand through the night and kisses you in the morning. Someone who whispers things to you while you lay your head on their chest. Someone who pushes the hair out of your face, and makes your eyes light up. You feel free when you like someone. You are childlike, and innocent.
You know how these things usually end. Even mutual breakups are painful. You must be crazy to jump back in again. Do you not remember how the last one ended? How you couldn’t breathe, how people could feel your sadness coming it was leaking out of you so strong? But you don’t care. You don’t know how to exit the murkiness once you’ve engulfed yourself. You will tumble down, and drown in it, if you have to. You have a joy right now, and a fools’ smile.
Maybe this boy is not your next great love, but he is a reminder.
He is a reminder of your depth, your bravery, your foolishness.
That you might be broken, but you are not irreparable. You know how to love, to feel, to connect. You have not lost hope, your story is not done. That last boy was just a chapter that ended badly, that taught you some lessons. He’s not meant for you, and that is good.
It’s time for a new beginning.