An Open Letter To My Anxiety Meds

Dear Anxiety Meds,

I’m sorry for hating you all those years. I ignored you and put myself above you time and time again. I didn’t need you-I could exercise everyday, sleep eight hours a night, meditate daily and contort my body into yoga poses weekly. I would sit in front of my Verilux Lamp, take my Fish Oil, Vitamin B12 and iron supplements, cut out caffeine and make a gratitude list…. A little brain chemistry had nothin’ on me.

I brought a lot of good things into my life, sure. I challenged that anxiety and fought it so hard. And sure, I had great, wonderful, fabulous days without you…

But the tears for no reason and the knots in my stomach persisted. The hours I spent with myself deep breathing again and again did not subside. I still left spending time with people who loved me to go “calm myself down for a few hours.” I sat in candlelight in my room, tears streaming, and tension practically radiating from my body, my mind on a continuous track.

I spent five years of my life resisting you. I tolerated the brain chemistry that told me again and again, my friends were mad at me, my boyfriend didn’t love me, my mom didn’t have time for me, and that everything had to be perfect even if it meant driving my sanity to the ground.

And then I waived the white flag. I made the appointment. I took deep breaths through the car ride and used positive self-talk in the waiting room. And I agreed to take a little white pill every day…

…Dear Anxiety Meds,

Thank you. Thank you for loosening the hinges on my brain. For helping me remember that a missed workout, an A-, and a changed plan was OKAY. Thanks for reminding me that as a college student, staying out until two am on a Thursday is OKAY (and hella fun).

In some crazy way, you, in the form of a little white pill reminded me that my friends love me- even when I’m my worrisome, cautious, happy, self. You reminded me a missed workout or an ice cream sundae is LIFE and not yet another “imperfection.”

Thanks to your little dose of happy, my brain chemistry is a little more aligned and I have the push I need to be confident and sure of my worries, my imperfections, and myself.

Dear Anxiety Meds,

Someday, we will part ways. Maybe I’ll be ready for a family or for the next challenge to my mental health. I’ll be okay. Because you have given me strength and courage to fight something that I thought I couldn’t. You reminded me that confidence can be cultivated, numbers can be thrown out the window, and worries can be laid to rest. Thanks for the push, for the virtual hug, and for whatever sort of chemical you put in me.

Because as ironic as it may be… putting a dose of you into my head pushed me to spend a little less time inside of it and more time in the real world where the best life exists.