1. Everything is a top ten list
Your groceries, you can only buy ten at once. Your christmas present list, you better not have more than ten discerning friends and family. Hell, if you get a Valentines card it is gonna list the ten reasons we love you and have a retweet button underneath.
2. You can NOT travel unless it is free
You want to go to a hot tropical Island? I get it. The problem is, those five star resorts are not as keen on letting us in. So, how do you fancy a night in the local motel and a complimentary kebab? Luckily, Canva can make meat pinable.
3. You’re ‘Sick’
Why? Because my bot now replies to your Facebook messages to save me time.
4. They said: ‘Shall we go away for your birthday weekend?’
You hear: ‘Let’s go on a super organised work trip for two days. It needs to be somewhere kinda expensive and Instagramable. Preferably, it’s up and coming and a little worn torn. I’d like you to take 4897 photos of me jumping in front of that landmark but we have no time for eating because food grams are so last year. Which colours do you think contrast best with Oman?’
Sure, I’ve got my party hat on!
5. Why are there 29 strangers in our lounge?
Duh. They are bloggers. We are all going to pretend we love each others work, eat canapés and then when they all go I will come to bed and whisper sweet hatred in your ear about them. I’ll have to buffer up their re-tweets at the same time though.
6. That constant nagging to get on twitter
“I mean, I have 18 followers AND a GoPro. Why the hell wouldn’t they upgrade me to first class. Can you retweet me? I want them to know I mean business when I say I wont fly with them again.”
7. They said: ‘I think it is time I travel solo’
You hear: ‘I have screwed our relationship up royally and you don’t seem to give a crap about my outfit changes so I can ‘gram this shot multiple times in a two day period. So, laters. I’m off to annoy someone else with my yellow v’s blue combo. Do you think this hat says wanderlust?’
….Sigh! Miss you alread.
8. Why is there a man with a sign and branded T-Shirt on our doorstep?
‘It’s an affiliate link, obviously”
9. You’re arguing. Or going through a bad patch.
Things are pretty much over. Luckily there is an answer….
Basically, you come home to someone staring out the window with ‘Not all those who wander are lost’ painted above it. Don’t you know? That quote sums everything up and the world will be beautiful once more.
10. You will die.
‘We need to got to the mall before you die’ ’We need to watch this movie before you die’ ‘We need to do our washing and tax returns before we die’
Because, really, if you don’t do it before you die then what the fuck have you been doing?