I’ve moved on.
In fact, when I’m living my life, when I’m surrounded by the people who care about me in this terrific life that I’ve made for myself, I don’t think about you very much at all. It’s in the quiet, when I’m left with my own thoughts that you sometimes find your way into them. I think of you during the in between moments, like when I’m stuck in traffic or when I’m mindlessly folding laundry. I think of you when there’s nothing else better to think about it.
And it pains me to think of you partly because I’m not supposed to think of you anymore and partly because I’m forced to relive the most traumatic moments of my life over and over again. I can’t escape them. They’re scorched into my memory. I don’t want them there, but they won’t leave. You won’t leave.
I think that’s kind of the point here, though. That’s what you wanted to accomplish all along. You wanted to manipulate me so badly that I’d never escape you. And in that, you succeeded. I’ll never admit it out loud, but you won. I’m forced to stay trapped in that world during these moments, even though I’m banging on the door and begging to be freed. I’ve been begging for five years and I still can’t find a way out.
The hurtful words you said to me, you wanted them to scar my soul. They have. I feel the pain of them every single time that I think of you. The things you threw at me, you wanted me to flinch every time someone picked up a lamp or a book or a glass. I do. Every time I think of you, I remember the sounds of smashed porcelain next to my head.
It’s impossible to forget it because in the stillness of nights like tonight when my husband is at work and my friends all have plans, I’m left alone with my thoughts of you. It’s like you follow me around and wait until I’m isolated before you corner me and remind me of the worst two years of my life. I know no one is coming to save me from you. You have me pressed against the wall and you’re screaming these things at me over and over again. I’m clawing at you, I’m crying and pleading with you to let me leave.
I want to leave. Please let me leave. Why won’t you let me leave?
I don’t want to think of you anymore. I’ve moved on.