When I told my husband I was suffering from depression, I was scared. I was vulnerable and disappointed in myself. He put his arms around me and told me he wasn’t going anywhere and that he’d be my rock. He spend the next few days looking up some facts about depression. He wanted to know where it came from, what the treatments were, and how he could help. I felt relieved that he was supportive and understanding.
When I told my husband I was overwhelmed with college and work, he encouraged me to quit my job and focus on my education. I was reluctant to be so dependent on another person, but I trusted him.
He could not set up accounts in his name due to his low credit score. He put the cable, the car, and the phones in my name, but made the payments with a card I didn’t have access to. I figured since we were married, it shouldn’t matter. We are a team, right?
I began to notice the way my body would tense when he came home from work. I wasn’t sure why, but it made me uncomfortable.
The night I realized I was being abused, I was in shock. I felt like I had just been in an car accident and my mind was unable to process the damage being done. He screamed at me, telling me to get my shit and leave. When I walked away from him, his anger boiled over.
“When you pay all the bills, you can tell me what to do…you’re not on my level”
“You know where the door is. You can leave anytime.”
“This is my apartment. I pay the rent, I pay the bills.”
“I GAVE you all of this!”
“Where would you go? Who would take care of you? Exactly. No one.”
“Why can’t you tell me why you’re depressed? And don’t give me any of that ‘chemical imbalance’ shit.”
“I’m going to take your car and sell it tomorrow…I make the payments on it, it’s mine.”
“I stopped loving you when you started acting like a bitch.”
“You’re 23 years old! What the fuck do you have to be depressed about? Tell me! Exactly. You can’t even give me a reason.”
“I don’t believe in depression. You should just get over it.”
I couldn’t defend myself against his words, threats, or lies. I was stunned into silence. He tried to say he was just being honest, but that isn’t true. That’s an excuse. It took me three days to wrap my head around the past few years of my husband conditioning me into accepting his abusive nature. He make make me feel worthless, but I am not stupid enough to believe it.