1. The emotional one
The funny part about this one is that throughout the relationship they seemed completely unemotional. In fact, it may have even been part of the reason you broke up. However, when the relationship ended, the floodgates opened. Next thing you know, there are tears along with an influx of every emotion he’s ever felt. They all come pouring out. Things he never told you when you were actually together. With every box of feelings he pulls out, there’s another one inside with more. Whether or not they’re real or if this is just some sort of panic reaction, I can’t be certain. All I know is these ones are tricky to spot ahead of time, and it’s the toughest one to stick to.
2. The jerk
Even the bossest of b*tches run into these. They’re the cheaters, the liars, and the f*ckboys, amongst other types of a**holes as well. Don’t blame yourself for falling into their trap—they’re masters at masking how terrible they are. The important part to this is that you ended it. Don’t let yourself be manipulated into staying or into coming back. If you have a feeling in your gut that the guy you dumped is ‘the jerk,’ then he is. Feel empowered that you’re strong enough to move on. He probably makes you feel like garbage, even to the point where you may think the breakup is all your fault. Give it some time and some perspective, and you’ll see you deserve better than the jerk, and breaking up with him was the smartest thing you did.
3. The absolute psycho
One word: Yikes. This is the guy who goes completely bonkers after you cut the cord. No matter how reasonable you act, he’s taking the dive off the deep end. I’m not saying he puts up a bit of a fight to get you back or something. I’m referring to the guy who shows up to your house in tears with poems about you, the one who stops going up to his job and gets fired because “nothing matters without you,” and the one who practically breaks your phone with the numbers of drunk texts and calls he’s putting through it. This one’s a toughie, and you really have to use your own intuition on whether or not it’ll pass once he moves on a bit or if you need an actual restraining order. Don’t be the person that makes someone question if they need a restraining order.
4. The ghost
Sure, he may be the one that literally just stopped talking to you, but we’re going to take the credit for the breakup here. If he had the balls to go through with the breakup, he could have it. But he chose to try and make a swift and sneaky exit and for that he gets nothing. The ghost is likely an unavailable and cowardly version of the other breakups, and the last thing you need in your life is someone you can’t count on or that doesn’t have a good grasp of his own identity. I would like to take this time to say to ghosts, near and far, male or female, WTF?
5. The life-changing one
All right, this one is sad, and for anyone going through this right now, sorry for bringing it up. But this is the one that was working out but life just took you in different directions. Some would call this “the one that got away.”
Eventually there comes one where you actually just don’t break up, right? Isn’t that why we keep trying? I don’t have experience with this one, but I’m going to go ahead and say that once that happens, the rest of this will all make sense. All the heartbreak, and all of exes you’ve dealt with, and all of the nights spent wondering if it was the right thing will all come together. You and your lifetime partner will throw back your heads and laugh at the seemingly petty relationship endings and go back to doing whatever it is that those people do. Until then, stay positive, stay hopeful, and keep trying.