I Will Always Be In Love With Him

laurenhawkhead
laurenhawkhead

I write this keeping in mind that the probability of this letter reaching the boy I wrote it about is the same as that of the sun exploding right now. But regardless, I hope to make it happen.

This is an extensive description narrating my unconditional and irrevocable love for a person who probably didn’t appreciate it enough. It is the story of how his absence has left me un-whole. You can call it my lunacy or you can call it his indifference to my efforts that led to the downfall of this beautiful love that we had. But sometimes, just wishing that he occasionally thinks about me too, is enough. But mostly, it’s not.

It started with an indescribable pull towards him. I could never exactly put my finger on what it was that attracted me towards him. We were like two opposite poles. Two completely different sides of a card. I was a demented introvert, a compulsive pessimist, and a masochist who was broken beyond repair. He was a winsome socialite who certainly had his way with people. Of course one of his traits were that he liked fixing broken things. That’s where I come in. I don’t know what made him shoot his arrow at me, but it certainly hit the right place. Was it my shy, hesitant disposition or my wide-eyed, girl-next-door gaze? I’m still not sure.

He is not the kind of person I would traditionally even talk to, let alone talk about. But here I am writing this descriptive essay about the love that we had.

I remember everything that followed a “hey” from him one Sunday night. That one late night conversation turned into a daily routine. Goodnight texts followed by stretching discussions. Phone calls that lasted for hours. The way he made me laugh. The way he could cheer me up, always, no matter how low I was feeling.

Not the cheesy teenage high school movie love. Real, heart-wrenching love. I missed his sarcastic puns on the days when he was too busy to talk. Gradually, even a single “good morning” or “good night” from him made my day better.

Now, the only thing that remained was confession of my feelings. That would’ve been a difficult part if it wasn’t for him. And the complacent feeling was knowing that he reciprocated that love. I breathed a sigh of relief as it hit me hard, this will not be another unrequited love that becomes lost with time. Sadly, I didn’t know it would end up being worse than one-sided love.

Suddenly, my monotonous life was turned around. His humor calmed my eternal boredom. From a stone-cold emo kid who liked nerdy stuff, I became this hopeless romantic that started believing in cheesy I-love-you’s. I had never been more optimistic. In the months that followed, he became my entire world. He was a rainbow in the black and white world as my eyes saw it. He could take something sad and dreary and instantly turn it into rainbows and butterflies. That was him, the sunshine after days of dull gray skies. What we had was magical. It was like being in the midst of an Aurora Borealis, staring at the most beautiful picture the universe painted upon the sky.

Even the brightest day fades into a pitch black night. Our love burned too bright. It got lost. At least for him. Every day as my deep-rooted affection for him increased, his admiration for me faded. I could feel him drifting away. I could feel myself trying to hold on to him, in vain. I could feel the universe calling him away. I remember that feeling. I remember how it tore me apart.

“Unrequited love can be survived in a way that once-requited love cannot.” – John Green

He fixed me. But he didn’t realize that broken pieces may be put back together but they never fit perfectly. Nothing broken can ever be perfect again. And nothing broken is ever strong enough to survive another fall. I wasn’t good enough for him. The brutal truth enraged a fury in me. It killed my inner peace. My inadequacy lost me the most flawless part of my existence. A part of me died that day. His indifference to my pain killed my faith. I put in everything I could to save something that was already gone. I was never strong enough to let him go. I was never his light the way he was mine. And it destroyed me in the most brutal way. The non-existence of his love for me killed me inside. I will never be the same again and there will never be another day in my life when I will not think of him.

I don’t know how to not miss him. How to not want his arms around me. How to stop thinking about the way he would touch me. How to not think about him every second of my day. How to sleep knowing that he feels better off without me. How to not love everything about him. How to live with the searing pain of knowing I might never be good enough for him. I don’t know how to stop loving him.

Because dear love,

If you ever read this, I want you to know that my love for you never wavered. It was as constant as the Northern Star. I had the most beautiful time of my life with you and I really wish with all my heart that you would give me your forever someday. And I swear to God I will move mountains to make that happen. I will tear apart skies to be good enough for you. I will destroy galaxies to make you happy. Because my love for you was the most truthful thing I ever felt. I want you to know that my heart will always belong to you. And I will wait for a time when you can return that love again. And I hope with everything in me for that. TC mark

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