You wanted her to see you. You wanted her to see that what she had done had decimated you and everything that you had believed in. To see everything that you thought the two of you believed in. As you sit alone in your now empty home and feel the ghosts of your relationship haunting you with each glance and smothering you with regret, you want her to know what she has done.
But you cannot do that.
As much as you may try in desperation to make her feel everything that you are feeling – the hurt, the loneliness, the anguish – she simply cannot and simply will not. It isn’t her cross to bear, she feels, and you are truly alone in your pain. You can never control how people are going to feel about you, or for you. You give your heart away willingly, as they do theirs, and you don’t get to decide what they are going to do with it.
You will admit that you gave your heart to her freely, without trepidation, in the hope of complete and utter custody. You accept that it was your choice and your choice alone to love her and devote yourself to her endlessly for those long, blissful years. And you also accept the fact that you reacted viciously when you found out that she had deceived you. You burnt everything, both literally and figuratively, trying to rid yourself not of her, but of the pain she had caused you. Though, as she may think that it was calculated and vindictive and knowingly cruel, you know now it was not.
No one can ever imagine what this sort of pain can do to you, the state of shock that it puts you in and never releases you from, not even for a moment of clarity. You’re torn, you think, between what you had and what you’re left with. But, in truth, you’re torn apart.
You wager your pride, your trust, and your dream of a perfectly pure life, all in the pestered desire to have her feel your pain and understand what you want. You give everything you have and more, despite what all respected opinion says. You try to move on, but feel that the road to acceptance hasn’t been paved just yet. You want her to build that road, stone by stone, with her guilt and her empathy and compassion. Then, and only then, could you even begin to take that first step.
But, she cannot do that for you and you cannot do that for her. You cannot make her feel your pain, and she cannot feel that pain for you. Because it’s your pain to bear. So you wait, tirelessly and in dire hope for that time to come. Yet, in the end, you know that day will never come. You are alone in your pain and only you can change that.
But, you hope. And that hope makes all the difference.