You Taught Me Everything About Love At 18

I want to thank you for everything. The list of things I learned from you and loved about you is endless. I can never imagine loving anyone more. I fell for your old similar innocence and humor and the vein on the right side of your forehead when you smile And, of course, I fell for the dimples. Who wouldn’t fall for the dimples?

Coming from a girl who had terrible relationship anxiety, you sure did handle it better than any other 18-year-old on the planet would have and I’m grateful. You lifted me up when life was discouraging. You went through losses and so many turning points in my life right next to me. We honestly fit so well together despite the trials. The memories from our adventures will live on forever.

It’s funny how we remember the little things most. Like Barnes and Noble dates, certain movies we watched and songs we listened to. I remember the feelings you gave me more than anything. The feelings I got from you always protecting me being the true gentlemen you are to the feelings that come from doing crazy teenage stuff that made us feel so alive. I felt so alive with you. The months turned into amazing years.

The tears we cried together were beautiful because neither of us wanted to lose the other but the fallout was inevitable. Our story in just words would not give it justice. You had to be there. We were so happy together. We chose each other, and it became an almost unhealthy obsession.

We always said the “honeymoon phase” couldn’t last forever but how could we be so naive? You have to try hard and work for the honeymoon phase to last but it was too much pressure for someone going off to college and wanting to experience new things. Or as you would say it, “We aren’t in the same place in life anymore.” Too hard to be together when we won’t get to see each other every day and where we might change along the way. I would’ve loved you even if you had.

My problem was, I never wanted anything else. I felt so dead without you. I never set other goals or had any other ambitions besides being with you. I wanted the stereotypical life; college first to continue our fun-filled teenage years being the “it” couple, marriage (because how could I want to spend every single day with anyone else?), a cute house with a red door, and eventually a baby who was more like you than me. Now, I’ve picked myself up for the most part.

I can’t lie, not a single day has gone by that I haven’t thought about you. It’s not just at one in the morning when the bed is big and your body isn’t there but at noon and every hour in between. After spending everyday together for two and a half years, you are so much like the other. I see you in myself. But, thankfully, I have reached the point where I just wish you the best. I truly want you to be happy and find another great love. Your face will light up and it won’t be because of me, that’s ok because I know she will be beautiful and smart. In your darkest hour, I want you to remember the moments we spent falling in love in our Arkansas town.

Even though I felt betrayal and a hurt too deep to recover from, I forgive you. It’s ok that we can’t keep our promises. Neither of us are capable. Our hearts will never be big enough to hold the kind of love we want to have for each other. My heart was never big enough to love you the way I wanted to. My love for you is still so big. I know it will never die. I love you with all my heart. I have set new goals and things I want to achieve in the upcoming years. I have laughed and cried and realized I still have a future without you. I am stronger because you have loved me.