Now, before I start this, I must clarify, the terms hell and heaven should only be taken in the context of metaphors and not the literal meanings they are known for. At the age of 25, I’ve been rethinking my whole life, but in all honesty, I don’t think there was a day I haven’t thought about it. For whatever reason, life was the one thing that had me puzzled, as I’m sure it does for everyone. I constantly pondered over the bad circumstances that took place in my life and their meaning in the bigger picture of it. I was always wondering why me? How could such a bad thing happen to someone who meant no wrong, but at the end of the day, shit happens and eventually you’ll have to walk in it.
By the age of 25, I had gone to several rehabs, psychiatric wards, hospitals and countless times dealing with situations that could have been avoided. Maybe I was on a path to self-destruction since birth, because let’s face it, life wasn’t something I wanted, but deep down it was because I didn’t feel I deserved it. Through the many years of dealing with a drug addiction, a partial foot amputation and countless nights of wanting the movie to fade to black, I had sat and wondered why?
The fact of life is this, it means nothing, yet it means everything, but it’s the individual’s job to provide the meaning or the lack of it. When the days got darker, my attitude became bitter and my hope diminished like a candle burning at the wick.
It’s somewhat funny though, because objectively I had nothing to feel down about. Came from a good home, had nice things, had friends and was a pretty intelligent and creative. The thing is, happiness can’t be bought, although it can be enhanced through material things, but true happiness starts from within. I’m not saying I’m happy, shit, I’m barely that, but the days I feel I like life a little is when I have a smile.
Now, I get to the point of why going through hell will lead you to heaven. Hell, it’s the dark place in life where the void can’t be filled. The drugs, sex, shopping and food just won’t fill it and it drives the individual insane. The bittersweet part is, you only find heaven when you walked through hell, and because without knowing the darkness how can you appreciate the light. Hell makes you grow, teaches empathy and helps you find the inner strength that will lead you to success if that’s what you are in search of. For me that’s what I yearn for. All the nights of crying, screaming for just a glimpse of hope so I know I can move forward, will one day be the movie I look back on and feel blessed for. I like to say that the ones who suffer the most are blessed. They were introduced to a world that not everyone will see and if they make it out they will have the most impact on others. Maybe that’s a morbid way to look at it, but I see a beautiful message within it.
All I know is this, life sucks, but so it should, because when you reach heaven you’ll feel so much more happy knowing that through all the shit you walked through, you’ll be able to take a shower and smell the roses.