I still wonder why did it all happen and before that, what was it? I need answers to my questions because I am confused about what were we doing. We both knew from the beginning that our paths were different and that nothing can happen along those lines. Then when did it all happen.
I know for sure about myself that I tried really hard to keep my distance, but I really don’t know when I fell into all this. Was it you who did it or it was just me all the time? I don’t know. How can it be you when you always knew that someone else was waiting for you.
But then it’s difficult to ignore those small moments, because there was something in them and I am mature enough to feel them and know that you were also in those moments. But maybe it was just about those moments.
Maybe I got dragged away. Maybe I am thinking too much. Maybe for you it was always just a good close friendship and maybe you could see that thin line. But that line was very fade and I couldn’t see it and happened to cross it. I immediately pulled myself back, but it’s never the same again.
I wonder, I used to be stronger than this and such things never really bothered me. But then you came along and everything changed. The worst part is, I always believed that I can face the difficulties and I am strong enough for that, but there was a transition happening within me and I was completely unaware about it.
It was only when you left that I found myself weak, I found myself vulnerable. I cried, I cried my heart out, hoping that things would change, but somewhere down, even my heart knew that I was hoping for something that was never going to happen. I asked myself again, when I knew from the beginning that it cannot happen and that it wasn’t meant to be, then how did it happen.
And then I realize I was not alone in that. You too held my hand and walked with me, you were equally into it. But maybe you also got confused or maybe you didn’t and maybe you were strong enough to hold yourself behind the thin line which I mistakenly crossed.
But the reality is, it has happened and it hurts a lot, a lot. I have never felt so much pain before, infact, I never thought that somebody can change me so much. But yes, I have changed and I feel like I am losing all my strength. But life goes on no matter what. So I have to pull myself back and have to learn to walk again.
I am hurt badly and I don’t blame you for that, because probably you never saw this coming. Infact, I don’t blame anyone. Maybe it was all circumstantial, where I got carried away.
You are a very nice person, you taught me a lot of things about myself, maybe unknowingly and so I thank you for that. I would have never known that I could be so weak if it wasn’t you. But don’t get me wrong, I am not blaming you; I am thanking you for making me a stronger person. Because what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Thank you because I ll probably never feel the same way for anyone else and I ll probably never do the same mistake again.
It’s hard to let you go, but the reality is you have gone and you have gone for something better maybe. It’s hard to accept that you were never mine and it’s hard to even imagine getting over you. I feel that a permanent void has been created inside my heart but that’s ok. I still trust you after all this because I know that none of it was your fault and that you are a very good person. I know that none of this was intentional and I will get over this someday.
But sometimes, I feel the sudden urge to ask you what you were thinking all this while. It’s ok if you also got carried away for the fraction of a second, but just accept it. Because maybe that’s what I need or maybe that’s all I need for the peace of my mind.
You are still my friend and you will always be because I don’t want to lose a precious friendship because of some misunderstanding. So please don’t create more distance just because I want those answers. Our friendship is strong enough to pass this.
One thing is for sure, I will take time, maybe a lot of time, but I ll be fine one day and that one day, we will probably look back and find ourselves fortunate to be able to walk past that storm and save our friendship. Because in the end, everyone needs a good close friend.