I’ve never been good at casual sex. It’s not because I’m bad at sex but more because I’m too emotional. I know this about myself. Sex and emotions go hand-in-hand for me, and it’s difficult for me to untangle any sex I have from my emotions, not that all casual sex is emotionless. It can be fun, sure, but you know what I mean. Every time I’ve had casual sex with someone I always come away wanting more from them, wanting to talk, hang out, cuddle, do things together. I want to know more about them, how they tick, and when I don’t hear from them again I feel used, discarded.
One time on Grindr I got into a big debate with this guy because I wouldn’t let him fuck me. He bombarded my phone with dick pic after dick pic, telling me he really wanted to fuck my ass, which I never showed him.
“I’ve only ever had anal sex with a boyfriend,” I told him. He was completely floored.
“What? Why’s that,” he asked. I told him that it’s just invasive and I didn’t know him and anyway that I’ve never had anal sex with someone who wasn’t my boyfriend. It’s just one of my “things.” I told him that in my lifetime I’ve had 4 boyfriends which means I’ve only had anal sex with 4 different people. I liked it that way.
He blocked me.
I’ve always known I was a relationship type of guy, someone who watches a lot of porn but who prefers being in a relationship and having exciting, recreational sex with that guy rather than a bunch of different guys. I’ve been down that road before and it’s never as interesting to me as when I wake up next to my boyfriend in the morning and watch him sleep, or when his name pops up on my phone, or when I hug him, or when he randomly touches the back of my head, or when I look at him with lust in my eyes.
A number of my friends (gay and straight) are in open relationships. Sometimes they have three-ways or four-ways and give me all the juicy details (and pics), and sometimes they’re in a three-person relationship. I’m glad they’re happy and that non-monogamy (mostly) works for them, though definitely not without drama. Knowing them over the years I’ve often wondered if I could ever be in an open relationship.
My friends tell me that monogamy is useless, impractical, that it’s not possible to have sex with one person for the rest of your life. I get it. There are a lot of beautiful people and hot huge cocks in the world. But I would always wonder if my partner was having better sex with other people than he was with me. Would our sex become routine? Would “I’m running late” actually mean he’s coming from a sex meet? I’d be jealous about his sex life and worried that I don’t fit into it anymore, and I’d worry that being open would mean that our sex life dried up or that he’d meet someone better and leave me for them.
One benefit of non-monogamy is that the question of cheating is off the table. You can’t cheat on each other because you both know you’re having sex with other people. But I would never cheat on a boyfriend, not least because sleeping around behind their back means putting their health at risk. Cheating doesn’t mean you want to have sex with other people. It means there’s something wrong about the relationship you’re in and you’re not talking about it. And maybe that thing is that you want to be “open” for a while, or that you’d like to try a threesome or whatever. The reason open relationships work when they do is because of communication. Everybody knows what’s going on and what to expect, leaving very little room for doubt.
But communication is the most important aspect of any relationship you’re in — especially monogamous ones.
At the end of the day you need to be in the relationship you want to be in. Causal sex, monogamy or non-monogamy may not be for everyone, but the good thing is that you have a whole lifetime to experiment with each.