This Is About When You Lose Forever

I’ve recently discovered a new kind of love, one that I never believed could ever exist. I had always thought that love was good, that it was the best thing in life. It was the thing that people crossed the world for, the kind of thing that people died for. I genuinely believed that once I found it, I would never want anything in life ever again.

Fast forward and there’s this boy. Piercing blue eyes and a heart bigger than anyone I had ever known. There I was, this innocent girl without a clue about what love was, and I can say with absolute certainty that I fell in love with him almost instantly, and that love I felt only grew as time went on. To me, he was perfect and he stayed perfect for the entire year and a half that we were together.

It was everything I had ever dreamed of. It was everything anyone could ever dream of. We would spend hours together just talking and there was never a moment, from start to end, where I felt even the slightest bit out of place. We fit together in a way that I never knew possible. Road trips weren’t long enough and nights not spent together were restless. It was unbearable to say goodbye to him, even if I knew I would see him in just a few hours. I couldn’t look him in the eyes and feel anything but love. I was defenseless against him, and I never believed that it would be an issue because I only saw the good in him. It was inconceivable to me that any part of him could ever be bad.

I pictured forever with him. It wasn’t some senseless daydream of a love struck girl. It was my evident future. I looked at him and I saw our children and our house and growing old next to him, holding his old wrinkly hand, feeling the greatest, most passionate kind of love that anyone has ever experienced. I pictured telling our grandchildren about our fairytale love story. He was my forever and I believed with absolute certainty that he was where I was supposed to go in life. He was the path that I was supposed to follow.

Fast forward to when we lost forever. Have you ever heard something so outlandish and absurd that you shake your head and tell yourself, no way? There is no way.

All in the span of a few seconds and a single text, my world completely fell apart. I didn’t stop crying for at least 48 hours because every time I got close to stopping, I would think, “We were supposed to be forever. We had forever and we lost it.” Those words kept ringing through my thoughts and they wouldn’t escape.

There I was, my mind completely torn because here was evidence that this boy was most definitely not perfect. Here was the one thing that I had never seen in my path with him. I had never once believed that there was a dead end in our path and here it was, his mistakes blatantly telling me that he was absolutely not the person I thought he was.

He told me he was scared of how much he loved me and that’s why he did it, which is a shitty excuse. Personally, I think that it was fate finally waking me up to the undeniable yet unfathomable truth that he and I were not meant to share the same path.

He had hurt me before in similar ways but I had been too focused on the fact that we were meant to be together to realize that I deserved more. I remember saying that I was far too in love with him and that I couldn’t lose him. I saw our love as something that was stronger than all of the petty problems.

The problem was that he believed that no matter what he did, he wouldn’t lose me. He also thought we were glued together on the same path, and he took that for granted. He saw our love as something that was strong enough for him to make mistakes, because I always forgave him.

Now that my eyes have been opened to the terrors of a blinding love, I’ve started witnessing other cases of the same type of terrifying love. I don’t want others to make the same mistake that I did. I don’t want them to be so blinded by love to realize that their significant other is not treating them like they deserve. I don’t want them to think that love will solve it all.

I was so love struck that I allowed myself to completely depend on a person. I allowed myself to become more vulnerable to him than I had to anyone else. I allowed myself to believe that it was my fault he kept hurting me. I allowed myself to believe that there wasn’t anyone out there who was better for me. I allowed myself to believe that he would change.

There isn’t a part of me that feels any type of regret. I learned more about myself in that time than I ever believed to be possible. He taught me how to love and I am grateful for all of the good memories that he and I shared. I forgive him with all of my heart, but that doesn’t mean that getting back together is the solution. We weren’t right for each other, and even though it is hard to admit, we brought out the worst in each other.

Despite it all, I still believe that love is one of the most beautiful things in the world. I still cry at weddings and my heart still feels warm whenever I see an elderly couple holding hands as they walk down the street.

Personally, I can’t wait for when the right kind of love knocks on my door. I can’t wait for when I find a guy who simply makes me happy. I don’t need the obsessed and crazed love seen in the movies. I don’t want that. I’ve had that and it was the most emotion I’ve ever felt in my entire life all stuffed into a year and a half. That’s not what love is supposed to feel like.

Movies tell us that it is supposed to have all of this drama and uncertainty, but that is the opposite of what love is supposed to do.

Love is meant to be the foundation to build a life of more love and more goodness. It is meant to highlight all of the best qualities in one another and it is meant to release a feeling of complete happiness. It is patient, kind. It is a good thing and if any part of you believes that it isn’t a good thing, then run away. You don’t deserve to stay in a relationship with someone who isn’t 100% good to you in every way. You only get so much time on this earth, don’t waste it trying to make someone right for you. If a person is meant to be with you, they will become the type of person that deserves to be with someone like you. TC mark

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