We live in a world where casual hook-ups and kissing mean nothing to people. The reckless youth, we call ourselves. We get drunk and high and find someone who’s down for what you are and have our fun. We make out until our lips are chapped and grope each other until we’re bruised. We leave our hearts at the doors like we do our coats and don’t let them take part in the night at all. And at the end of it all, we smile wryly because we’ve won.
And there’s something to be said about our generation besides the fact that we are reckless. We are brave. We get ourselves into disastrously meaningless situations and come out unscathed, leaving with only the pleasurable feelings of a dishonest hookup. We let people become our drugs and stop smoking cigarettes and we think we’re being healthier, because smoking kills and people don’t. We are brave, and we are confident. Hooking up with someone for a night or two makes you feel like you are a god or goddess, detached from human emotion yet worshipped in the hands of your partner. Our generation is smart, because getting involved with anyone when you’re already so busy with school and jobs and life is ridiculous. Why put time into a meaningful and emotional relationship when you can reap the benefits from the combination of a friend, some alcohol, and a dimly lit room for the night?
Because it’s easier when there’s nothing there. It’s easier to let him slide his hands up your shirt when you know you don’t care. It’s easier for you to make him moan when you know you don’t have to say anything to him tomorrow. It’s easier for you to bite his lip when you’re not afraid to make it bleed. It’s easier for him to pick you up and pin you against a wall when you know no one will see the scratches you leave on his back. It’s easier to give each other a high five at the end of the night and pretend that your heart doesn’t fly every time he winks at you. Because it’s easier, that’s why we do it.
We live in a world where emotional attachments are frowned upon; so casual hook-ups are the only thing we thrive on. And when you feel yourself getting attached to that person, whomever it may be, we suddenly believe ourselves to be wrong, mistaken, destroyed. Because we are no longer winning, we are losing. And we become empty.
I wish he knew. I wish he knew that I remember everything he whispered to me the first night we hooked up. “Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for this to happen.” I wish he knew how I loved it when we made out against a library bookshelf. I wish he knew how long I smiled for after he told me I was a good kisser. I wish he knew. But I wish he didn’t. Because then he would win.
I wish I wasn’t so empty. Because he is gone, and he doesn’t care.
He is winning. I am losing. And I am empty.