It was my first relationship, first love, first person I’ve ever had sex with, he was my first everything. I didn’t realize until looking back the mess my relationship was. He appeared to be the perfect boyfriend: smart, charismatic, cute, and looking for a serious relationship. That’s how the narcissists get you: they’re nice and shiny on the outside, but inside they’re dark.
My ex took all the right steps in the relationship: introduce me to the family, ask me to be his girlfriend, tell me he loves me, and talk about our future together. Unfortunately, he never really wanted any of those things. That is what narcissists and emotional abusers do – they make false promises and trap you in a fake life. They make promises they can’t keep and eventually the facade fades away. What seemed so perfect to me about him started to wear off as his stories didn’t begin to add up. And then, as if the emotional abuse was not enough, you find out he’s a cheater and a pathological liar.
It hits you hard like a wall of bricks: the entire relationship was a lie.
When you cry to him about how badly it hurts that he was disloyal, he returns a blank stare. He tries to summon up some sort of emotion in his face, but you can tell behind those eyes he doesn’t understand. Narcissists cannot feel emotion nor empathize with the pain you feel. You don’t feel secure anymore. The perfect world you created with your perfect boyfriend comes crashing down. You begin to question everything and the paranoia sets in. Instead of comforting and reassuring you, your boyfriend gets angry. He yells at you for questioning his actions and resents the constant checking in on him. You become a jumbled ball of anxiety and he does nothing to make you feel any better. He lies, he cheats, and he makes you just insecure enough to stick around. He breaks up with you and you begin to regain strength, but then he comes back. He feels you slipping away. He says he feels uncomfortable that he’s not in control anymore, that his ex girlfriend has the ball in her court finally. So you give it back to him. You become subject to his power and allow him to control and manipulate.
Your friends watch you slowly breaking, crying in your room alone because he tells you that you’re a slut for sleeping with another guy. He says one day he wants you back, and the next he thinks maybe you’re just a good friend. The narcissist pulls you back and forth in a psychological tug of war. It is mentally and physically exhausting. He drains every emotion from you as you cycle through happy to anxious to upset and back to happy all in one day.
The problem with a narcissist is that they are never wrong in their eyes.
He breaks you and continues to inflict psychological pain, but he is still the “good guy.” He gets a new girlfriend, and the whole process will begin again soon. Cycle after cycle, targeting vulnerable girls he can control. You’re free now, but you’re still allowing him to control your life. Break the cycle and turn anger into strength. Find courage from the people who truly love you. See the good in yourself. Take what you learned from the relationship and never let another man treat you that way again. You are not your mistakes, nor are you the words he used against you. Do not let the narcissist win, because that would be the real tragedy.