Not being loved in returned is something that I do not wish upon anyone. It is an indescribable feeling of knowing that you were not enough for someone, who was once above and beyond enough for you. When you finally become aware that they cannot provide you the love that you deserve, you will be left with the pieces of your heart shattered on the floor and you will have to find the correct place for them once again.
You will lie in your bed and you will feel like you will never be whole again. Maybe you won’t. Maybe we will never be whole again after we given our love to someone who failed to love us back. Maybe that is how love is, every time we love, pieces of our hearts chip off and with time, the heart heals the brokenness of it, but it will never be the same again, ever.
We willingly bring our hearts to war with us. We put the most vulnerable organ on the line and we have this illusion that our hearts are indestructible, shielded with the best quality armor and we remind ourselves as we dodge each one of the enemy’s bullets, one after the other, we are unconquered human beings. We are now on the ground, dirt in our mouths, low crawling, sweating in fear, and again reminding ourselves that we voluntarily chose to go into fight with our hearts as a target for the enemy to undeniably destroy—that is our very own fault.
There we are, graciously handing the world the most sacred part of ourselves in hopes to be fully loved in return. Though that is never a guarantee, expecting a return from the universe to reciprocate everything we once freely handed it, we can only desire. In the moments where we kiss each other between red lights, hold hands as are bodies are intertwined under those cool summer sheets, and confessing our emotional connection to one another as we passionately made love at four o’clock in the morning, we just might believe that the universe is for once in our favor.
The room is dark. The street lights beam into our front room and I can see only glares of your face. We whisper in each other’s ears our most private confessions. I take your hand and place them on all of my insecurities that encompass my flawed body. As you gently place your head on my lap, you bring up your first love who had forever fractured your true being. I pull you in closer and I look down to see the sadness in your eyes and I all I can feel is the immense void in your soul. I kiss you. I hold you like a newborn and I watch you fall asleep, as she is occupies your dreams.
I understand, you loved her. She was a beautiful woman, she absolutely was. The pictures of you and her together, show the utter happiness that had once filled the two of your lives. The way you would become passionate when you would talk about her, made her even more beautiful. However, I loved you. I wanted you, only you, without her still lingering in your heart. I longed for you to process that I loved you. I needed you to inhale and never exhale the tenderness of those words I had repeatedly spoken to you.
Time went on and I was still at war with my heart on the line. I loved you and if that meant chancing bullets to shoot me down and leave me in the battle field dead, I did it for you. I never questioned any decision I had made in that vigorous war, and to setting you free, I let you out of the palm of my hands because I had loved you.
As I watched you pack your boxes into your car, I walked over to hug you for the very last time. I stood there and stared at you right into your eyes. You smiled and I smiled back. You pulled me in and I did not want to hear your goodbye, I was not ready. But you were. In that moment you had kissed my cheek and I knew that you would find her, somewhere on the coast of Southern California, waiting for you.
I will never forget the long drives on the winding California roads, with the top of your jeep down and the sun beaming on our bodies. I will forever cherish the exchange of kisses between red lights, and are hand holding game as we fell asleep. I loved you but you loved her. And truthfully, she deserved you more than I did.
I saw that you found her on the coast of Southern California, I told you she would be waiting for you.