This Is Why Love Scares Me

Shutterstock / Mazanko Tetiana
Shutterstock / Mazanko Tetiana

You sure scare the crap out of me. When I close my eyes, I start seeing everything that reminds me of you, and it scares me to open my eyes again because I know you won’t be there when I do. Every night, I ask the Universe to keep you safe. You work so hard, it scares me how you could forget things like how you need food to survive. Lately, I realized how you had a whole life before you met me, and I did too, but it scares me so much to imagine ever living without you. And it scared me so much to let you break the walls I have built around me for so long and that I might not feel the same way for anyone else as I feel for you.

It scares the shit out of me that I tell you everything and that I might not leave anything for myself. Because that’s how everything changes, you open up, let your guard down, and you trust people, and sometimes they fail you. But that’s the thing… it scares me that I might fail you instead of you failing me.

I built my walls up so high, and you still let yourself in despite the fact that I hung a “do not enter” sign around my neck wherever I went. And it scares me that it never really bothered you. I used to pray that you could be more courageous than I could ever be. And the fact that you’re there makes me think that you are. I used to sleep with my fingers crossed and with a crazy anxious heartbeat, wishing hard that you could show me that it’s okay to be endearing. You did, and it scares me that I’m not doing anything right.

I used to be that girl who never looked or listened because there was nothing worth looking or listening to anyway. But you taught me to see you in such a way that it makes me hear only the most beautiful sounds the Universe can offer. And it scares me.

You make me feel so alive and it scares the shit out of me that I could never be worthy of ever feeling this alive when you’re there. Because it’s been so long since I’ve felt this way, and nobody has ever scared me as much as you scare me right now.

When I look through the holes in the wall, I get blinded by the light coming through, and after my eyes get adjusted to the brightness, I realize that happiness was on the other side. Dismantling the fortress that I have carefully built all these years was never an easy process. Sometimes, I get to break down the walls with you and light will break through. There are times when everything’s just so heavy, and the stones will fall back in on me as I pull them down from the inside.

Whenever I tell you that you scare me, you ask so many questions and wonder. But really, it’s not because you get mad when I call you weird or because you don’t like sharing your tacos. Don’t you see? It’s a good kind of scary. You scare me because you make me feel good. You scare me because it’s rare for people to feel this way. I love you. And if this is scary, I don’t ever want to feel unscared again. TC mark

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