My Chaotic Life: Life, Loss, Narcissism

Flickr / Dee Ashley
Flickr / Dee Ashley

There was this one girl that I fell in love with. It was true love. We were each other’s best friends and so much more. We loved each other like something out of a romance novel. The feelings were intense, the passion was flaring every second. We were different as people but complemented each other well, we shared all the same interests from our love of The Beatles and desire to travel, to our mutual dislike of Nutella!

We are both flawed as people, but perfect in each other’s eyes. We made each other feel happy and many more things we had never felt before and never thought we would. The way she kissed me, her cute little lips. Our kisses were slow, passionate and would last for ages. Her touch was soft and comforting, she filled me with warmth. I let down all my guards and gave up my insecurities to her, as she did with me. It was raw innocent love. Laying in bed with her was true bliss for me. Her voice angelic and her scent was heavenly, it sent my senses crazy. Her smell still lingers on my jackets and shirts that I’ve left untouched in my wardrobe. Her smile engraved in my mind. I could show you the things she used to tell me but that wouldn’t be right. We connected on so many different levels…

But how was I supposed to know that I had an emerging personality disorder?!

It was uncontrollable. I had a feeling that consumed me and began to wear down our relationship. It led me to push, then shove. It was poisonous. I hurt the only person that I’ve truly ever loved and cared about. I can’t even bring myself to have sex with another girl. Our lives together would’ve been amazing, we had so many plans. Sadly it ended. My fault. I didn’t cheat or do anything unfaithful. Now we don’t even talk, I would love her friendship back, but I don’t know if it’s possible. I can be emotionless and cold, but because of her and the love she gave me I have felt love and thankful for it. For you see, I am a narcissist and will never truly love anyone else again in my life. It’s something I have to live with and it’s who I am. Don’t feel sorry for me, being narcissistic has many benefits. Though the negatives can be far worse, I am glad she was able to love me and show me love, especially at such a crucial stage of the development of my narcissism. Had I been diagnosed sooner maybe it wouldn’t be like this now, but life goes on.

I have friends that care about me now, but it’s not the same I can’t connect emotionally with anyone else. I have no empathy. I am just a good actor and have honed my social skills. I surround myself with all these materialistic things, but still no joy. Neither does doing good deeds help make me happy. I feel nothing. Just one recurring feeling that I can’t describe.

I don’t know the reason behind this, guess it must be my sleeping pills kicking in, but that’s a small insight into my chaotic life. My real world is pretty dark beyond all the exuberance and opulence. This isn’t for attention or for pity; guess it just helps you to understand why I’m heartless and say things others wouldn’t dare think, and to correct a few misconceptions about narcissists. I really don’t care about what other people have to say, I decide what’s right and wrong, your opinion doesn’t matter to me, and neither do most people… Night. TC mark

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