1. “I’m fine.”
Yes, yes, I believe you’re fine with your makeup running down your cheeks. Absolutely NO. You’re not all right, and it’s better for you to say “Do I look fucking fine”? or “I’m fucking heartbroken / disappointed / upset” because when you say you’re fine it just makes people keep asking you if you’re fine.
2. “I’m not a smoker, I’m a social smoker.”
Just admit that you don’t see the need to buy cigarettes on a daily basis and you just want to leech off someone else’s ciggies. C’mon man.
3. “You’re a nice person but I don’t think we’re for each other.”
Now this really grind my gears. I’m a nice person and you’re not? What do you do? Kick a puppy to death or rob a disabled old granny? Just tell me you’re not interested, goddamnit.
4. “Let’s meet up soon!”
Because let’s face it, do people really meet up after saying that?
5.”I’ll be back early tonight.”
I didn’t know early was 2AM! Well, that’s reaaaally early.
6. “You deserve better.”
I deserve better? Oh please deliver my Prince Charming on a white horse to me because I deserve a fucking prince if that’s “better.”
7. “I would never, ever hurt you.”
HA HA HA HA.
8. “You look so much better since the last time we met!”
My goodness, I SINCERELY apologize for looking for horrible the last time we met—what was I in? Something that covered my boobs? I believe my cleavage makes me look so much better, yeah?
9. “I’m OTW.”
Because OTW out of the toilet to go prepare, you’re technically literally OTW.
10. “I love you.”
Oh, how you throw the word “love” around is so revolting. Take your dick out of me and say it again if you can.