So, You Think You’re Ready To Have A Gay Best Friend?

Shutterstock / file404
Shutterstock / file404

I’ve been best friends with Shane* since 2004, and knowing him has enhanced my life immeasurably. He’s a friend I can turn to for judgment-free advice, he sees the positive in every situation, and is always down to try something new. We’ve been there for each other through career moves, heartbreaks, and major milestones — he’s the first person I call with good news, and the last person I would ever want to hurt.

It’s important to note that he is strikingly handsome. He’s over six feet tall, tan, muscular, and has features that would make Ryan Gosling blush with envy. To top it all off, he has impeccable taste in clothing, so much so, that on multiple occasions people have stopped us on the street to take pictures of his outfits for their ~StYlE bLoGs~. This is not to say that every gay man is interested in fashion, but Shane is, and he always presents himself in a thoughtful, well-put together manner (and he always looks #flawless).

Our life together, at times, is comparable to a bad romantic comedy. While cute parking attendants would let Shane enter without payment to occupy a VIP spot, I would follow in later only to be charged $20 for a parking space three miles away from the facility’s entrance. Glittering sorority girls would offer him handle pulls from their raspberry vodka, as I navigated my way to the fridge to uncover a forgotten Bud Light circa 2001. To sum it up, he’s charming and sociable, and as a girl who most often wears leggings and t-shirts, he’s kind of my fashionable fairy godfather. He offers amazing energy to any situation, and will always encourage you to wear a crop top in place of a long sleeved shirt (even during the winter, but yes, it does look better).

But the older I get, the more privy I am to witnessing a strange phenomenon. Gay. Best. Friend. Snatchers. I notice them as soon as we enter a club, and they typically travel in groups. Gaggles of girls approach Shane with wide eyes and start lightly caressing his arms, “Oh my GOD, where did you get that top? You are like, so, SO hot! Are you wearing glitter?” Shane will blush and start engaging with them, and sooner than later, one of the gaggle members will approach me — “Are his eyes really that color? Do you guys ever make out…like…just for fun?” At this point, I begin downing vodka tonics at lightning speed and showcasing side eye that would put Kate Middleton to shame.

I’m not sure what drives these women. Are they out looking to pick up straight men but become distracted by Shane’s beauty? Do they want to fulfill a stereotype by finding a sassy gay best friend to accompany them to the mall? Whatever the reason, they’re everywhere, and they are bananas. I honestly think some of them don’t pick up on the gay vibe, or just don’t care, and secretly hope that they can turn him.

They’ll forcefully make sure to grab his number at the end of the night, sending texts throughout the week: “OMG HEY GIRL, lol what are you doing on Friday? Heartheartheart.” “Ryan broke up with me again –sadface- BYE FELICIA lulz!” Slowly but surely, the texts fade, but the thirst remains.

As a gay man’s best girlfriend, you need to have stamina. There will be girls who look like Ke$ha at every turn, trying to elbow you out so they’re closer to your bestie’s perfectly cologned-skin. You need to prepare yourself for times when you’ll be stuck talking to a girl named Brittany for an hour, as her friend Jessica chats up your BFF to try and steal his tanning secrets (he’ll never reveal them to you, peasant). There will be even more trying times, when girls in bikinis corner you at rooftop pool parties, and demand to know what it would take for them to sleep with him (yes, that has happened on numerous occasions, c’mon ladies).

And at the end of the day, you can’t blame the Gay Best Friend Snatchers. You didn’t fall in BFF-love with him because he’s gay, but because of what a great person he is. Who are you to fault others for trying to soak up some of his magic as well? Just keep in mind that your friendship is sacred, but there will be basics at every turn. Brush them off, or better yet, try to befriend them.

You’ll definitely have to listen to some bullshit about the Kardashians or how she parties at the Playboy Mansion, but hey, maybe she also loves listening to Bright Eyes and knows the best place in town to buy burritos. If she has enough taste to love your best friend, she might not be so bad after all. TC mark

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