I still remember our first date. You were so nervous, hardly let me get a word in edge wise and drank about six glasses of water. I knew when we parted ways that night, you were going to make a huge impact on my life. That was the beginning of it all – all the dates, the kisses, the arguments, the break-ups, the make-ups. It was the beginning of the relationship that was going to define me for the rest of my life.
I can sum up our relationship in one word – passionate. We were not the ideal couple, who agreed on everything and put on a happy face for those around us. We disagreed a lot and weren’t afraid to voice our opinions. Our arguments consisted of loud voices, slamming doors, storming out of the house – everything you’re not supposed to do in a relationship. When we were angry, we were ANGRY. But damn, when we were good, we were fucking good. Our passion for each other covered every spectrum – the good, the bad, and the ugly. And that’s why I loved you.
Our passion led to a handful of breakups over the years, but we could never let each other go. Each time was worse than the time before. When I threw out your toothbrush, you knew I meant business. But, we’d always come back to each other. You needed someone who wouldn’t give up on you and I needed someone who made me work for it. We were a mess, but we were beautiful.
Looking back, I went about the engagement all wrong. Giving you a deadline, picking out my own ring – I don’t even know who that girl is anymore. Regardless of all the mistakes I made up until that day you proposed, I cannot describe the feeling of happiness I got when you finally knelt down on one knee in our home and asked me to spend the rest of my life with you. It wasn’t some romantic gesture – it was “us,” and it was perfect. Just you, me and our dog in our home to take in the moment and enjoy what we thought would be the first day of the rest of our lives together. That day was perfect.
As perfect as that day was, the day I left was just as heartbreaking. It took me months to realize we weren’t good for each other; to realize that although our passion was beautiful, it wasn’t logical to make a relationship last. And as much as you loved me, you could hate me just as equally. That day and for what seemed like decades after, I watched my future fall apart and tried to figure out what had gone wrong. Why wasn’t our passion enough?
A little over two years later, you’ve found someone new. I’ve been dreading this day since I left. Knowing that you would move on and start a life with a beautiful new woman. I’ve feared the way it would make me feel – regretful, jealous, hateful, hurt. Now that the day is here, all I can think is that I hope she is the one.
I hope you have found the woman who takes the time to understand your past – the hurt you’ve endured from those who are closest to you. I hope she realizes that although you put up a very good front, that you are afraid of losing her and although you might not say it, you need her to take care of you emotionally. I hope she pays more attention to what your eyes are telling her than what your words are.
I hope she doesn’t get offended when you get a little cranky after a long day and she realizes you just need to know someone is there for you. I hope in time she comes to see that you are hardworking and your idea of a day off is doing yard work or fixing something around the house – you’ve never known a lazy Sunday. I hope she’s ok with this and appreciates the fact that you want to always make your home and life better for the two of you and don’t want to waste any time lying around.
I hope she knows that you go at your own pace – at everything – in life, in relationships, in your career. You like to be in control of your life and are very capable of figuring out what you want and when you want it. I hope she realizes how successful you are and how hard you’ve worked to stand where you’re standing today. It hasn’t been easy to get where you are – she should appreciate that.
Most importantly, I hope she makes you feel comfortable in opening up to her. I hope you can tell her how badly you’ve been hurt. By your dad leaving you and your family growing up, about me, about Carly. I hope she pushes you to talk about things because I didn’t and you deserve that. You deserve someone who pushes you to be better and to make it work.
I was not the one, we were not good for each other. I want so bad to be mad and hateful towards both of you, but I can’t. I can’t because you and what we had have defined who I am today and for that, I could never hate you. I know that I will find someone who will light up my life and make me believe in love again. Someone who will appreciate my imperfections and love me for all my good parts. I want nothing less than this for you and I hope you have found this in her.