I was born middle child and I came from a family where domestic violence is highly present. As a child, I experienced being ignored and violently hit by my parents.
I first tasted beer when I was 8 because my father let me a sip. I thought I’ll never drink again because of the bad taste but I was wrong. Due to the pain of growing up in an environment where pain is present and love is absent, I learned to do things on my own. I started drinking when I was in sixth grade and started smoking when I was in seventh grade.
The fact that I can only feel loved, can have attention and feel that I belong with my friends, I started hanging out with them more than I hang with my family. For me, hanging out with my friends is a good thing since I actually don’t like being home. I hate hearing curses and shouting early in the morning. I hate waking up to the sound of objects flying and door banging. I hate that pain that stings on my thigh because I was hit by a belt. I hate that lasting sensation of pain on my face because I was slapped real hard.
Day goes by and I started to learn how to answer back and fight for my right. But guess what? Every time I do that, I always get hit just because they know I got a point and they don’t.
I grew up in family like that. As I went to college, I started to experience going home late due to drinking and smoking. It was all fun. I asked myself, why would I go back to that hell? I don’t feel loved anyway.
My family never talked to me. They never asked how I’m feeling, if I’m happy with my job and all that. They didn’t do that to me but to my brothers, they’re always the star of the night. The only time that I got their attention was when I need to transfer school because of some incident. That’s the only time that I got their attention. They were all mad at me like I’m a total failure. But take note, all throughout my days I’m an achiever. I always achieved what my brother didn’t achieved but when I did just one mistake, that’s what I get. I feel like I’m unappreciated.
But nowadays, I’m used to what is happening at home. I ignore them, literally. I can go days without eating just so I don’t want to go down and see them all. If they feel that they’re ok, they’ll bribe me money so they can get me. But hell no, I’m too old for that shit, can’t be bribed anymore. If I hate you, I really hate you. I don’t need your money, I can earn it. I need your apology.
So to my girlfriend now that I’m older, I know deep inside me there’s missing. I’m still longing for love and attention. I still lack that sense of security. I’m sorry if I cannot be enough for you, if I can’t be that perfect for you. Though I’m struggling with my own life, I’m trying to make you feel loved.
Sometimes I need love, sometimes I need attention but most of the time I need an apology from all the people around me for you judged me for who I am, for hurting and ignoring my feelings despite all my struggles in life. All my life, I’ve been giving apologies to those I did wrong. I’ve been apologizing for my actions but not this time. Not this time that I’m too broken to give a damn. Yes, you’ll always see me smiling and fooling around but you don’t know when I go home, when I pulled my cover over my head I start to wet my pillows crying myself to sleep thinking that tomorrow is yet another pretend-play day.
Again sometimes it is love, sometimes attention but most of the time apology. Just the fact that you recognize you’re wrong, just the fact that you knew you’ve hurt me I think it’ll be enough for now. Just for now.