It’s been three months since we broke up, and I’ve had so many ups and downs in that time, I’ve lost count of them.
I remember just after we broke up; it was the worst I’ve ever felt. I’ve never been the sort of person who cries much, but I cried a lot those first couple of weeks. I felt depressed every day, and I thought about ending my life so many times I thought I’d need medication to cope. I never came close to acting on those suicidal thoughts, but they got to a point where I knew how I would end my life if it got to that point. I even began writing the note in my head…
Some of my friends surprised me when we first broke up. When we were together and we had problems, I found it difficult to talk to my friends about it. Because I talked to you about everything, for the four years and four months that we were together, I didn’t really need my friends to be there for me. But I was so grateful they were there when you told me you no longer felt the same way about me, and you didn’t want to be with me any more. Even though I no longer had you – my best friend, my confidant – there always seemed to be friends I could talk to, and that helped a lot.
Suddenly, after a few weeks of feeling despair, I began to feel okay again. I felt positive, because although I didn’t have you any more, I still had my friends and my family. I went from feeling like I’d never recover from the heartbreak you caused me, to thinking I could be okay. That’s what made the negativity I felt a short while after that so hard to deal with. It was something so small that triggered that; a throwaway comment from you about how you were going to go travelling with your friend in the summer, to make a trip that we’d talked about. That was when I first realised that you were moving on, and I wasn’t. And that really hurt me. I hated the fact that you were able to move on when I wasn’t; and I was mad at myself for being naive, for thinking that I could be okay just a few weeks after you ended a relationship that had brought four of the best years of my life. If anything, when I felt depressed after feeling okay again, it was harder to deal with than the agony I’d felt when we first broke up.
I think that was when I realised I would need help. I didn’t want to be put on medication, so I opted for counselling instead. It helped me to get a lot off my chest, and I began to feel positive again. Luckily this time, I prepared myself for the fact that I would have another low point, but at I convinced myself that because I felt okay at that point, I knew I could be okay.
Sure enough, when another week went by and I didn’t feel as good as I’d felt the week before, but I tried to keep some perspective and feel optimistic for the future. My counsellor helped me to realise that even though I’d only been working with him for three weeks, I’d made a lot of progress in that time. After that came Christmas and New Year; a period I knew would be difficult, and so I told you we should give each other space. You’ve helped me a lot over the last three months, and I’m grateful for that – it can’t be easy to be there for the guy whose heart you broke, but somehow you managed to do it. However I didn’t want to bother you over Christmas and New Year when I knew I would struggle, and the fact that you had nothing to say in response when I said we should give each other space showed me that you didn’t want me to bother you either.
Frustratingly though, my mind seems to work in a “forbidden fruit” sort of way; when I can’t or don’t want to do something, I feel like I need to. Because I’d told you I wouldn’t contact you over Christmas and New Year unless you contacted me first, and you hadn’t contacted me, I felt like I needed to talk to you. I didn’t want to, because I wanted to prove to myself that I had the willpower not to, but when New Year had been and gone and I still hadn’t heard from you, I gave in and told you how I’d been feeling. Once again, you were a good friend, and it was good to talk to you again. We’ve talked a lot the last few days, and I’ve managed to unload a lot of my feelings on you again to the point where I’ve pissed you off again. So now I’m forcing myself to leave you alone again, and it doesn’t seem as hard to do as it did over the festive period.
I look back to where I was when our relationship ended, and I know I’ve come a long way. The scary thing is how far I’ve got left to go. You’ve made it clear to me that your feelings will never change, and you can’t see yourself being with me ever again. You told me that you already feel like you’ve moved on, and that you have this vision of a perfect guy that’s different to what you wanted when we first got together. You’ve been brutally honest like I asked you to be, and admitted that while you care about me and you still want to be my friend, you don’t miss me, I’m not your priority any more and I don’t mean anywhere near as much to you as I did when we were together.
So why do I still love you? Why do I still miss you? Why is what you think of me and what you feel for me still so important to me, when I’ve accepted that it’s over for us and we’re never getting back together? When I was with you, I never really worried about the future, because I told myself that as long as I had you, I’d figure it out no matter what the future told me. But losing you has caused me to question everything, and whether I feel okay or not, I’m constantly asking questions in my head. It’s exhausting.
For all the progress I’ve made over the last three months, I still don’t know what comes next – I don’t know how to make more progress in terms of moving on. I want to move on, I just don’t know how to do it. Maybe we should stop trying to be friends, at least for a while, but I seem to deal better with things knowing I can still turn to you as a friend. I know these things take time, but how much time will it take? How many more dark moments will I have to face, before I’m over this; before I’m over you?
I wish I could be in the place you are now; I’m jealous of it, truth be told. We’ve both accepted that we’re not right for each other, but you don’t miss the way things used to be, and I do. We both know we’re not ready for another relationship yet, but you’re able to dream about what your perfect guy will be like, and I can’t even imagine what it will be like to be with someone else. We both feel lonely, but because you’re in a good place in your life, you say you’ve never felt more confident; because you broke my heart, because you rejected me when I gave you all of me and you said you loved and accepted me, I’ve never felt less confident.
Sometimes I wish I was angry with you, or bitter at least. But I’m not. Maybe it’s because I still love you, or maybe it’s because you’ve been so honest with me about everything since we broke up, but all I feel is sad and I don’t even blame you for that. I’ve accepted it as one of those things, and I understand your reasons for breaking up for me.
I just don’t know how to get over you.