Being belittled on a daily basis. Being called “crazy.” Being made to feel guilty and shameful for the basic wanting of respect. Being made to feel worthless, and undervalued, and like nothing.
You have made me nothing.
My thoughts are yours. As are my actions. My life has become what you have dictated. I have lost my backbone from my endless bending over at impossible angles to keep you calm, to keep you happy, to keep you from snapping my neck.
I miss the girl I was before. I was strong and independent and fabulous. Adventure was my middle name. Now fear is my first, middle, and last names. I am consumed by fear, anxiety, and stress. Because I can’t imagine another day with you, yet I can’t imagine a life without you.
YOU were supposed to be my knight in shining armor- my fairy tale. The love I knew I would come to me because I believed in it. You came to me alright, but you have taken every ounce of self-respect and self-worth from me so that no knight in shining armor would ever look twice at me. I am your property. Your doormat. Your yes-man to every need, desire, and angst. I am your mother, your best friend, your whore, your punching bag, your support system.
Without me, you are nothing. You are a shell of a man. I bring to you the good things in life, and I set them at your feet for you to devour. When I am gone, you will realize you are nothing. And you have nothing of value to offer any friend, woman, or to the world. YOU are nothing.
Not me. I may have been twisted and manipulated into a former shadow of myself- but I am resilient. And I am strong. And I am here, I am me, and I will not tolerate any less than what I deserve. The best. I deserve the best and you are so far from that. You don’t deserve to worship the ground I once walked on. You don’t deserve to speak my name or remember my face. You don’t deserve any sliver of me.
I will leave you and I will flourish. No more floundering. On my own, I will step back into my power and back into the skin I once knew. I will be me, finally. And free from your crushing grasp. And I will succeed in every sense of the word. You may reach the top of the corporate ladder and have a fancy title on your business card, but you will never be a success. The family and the home and the life you dream for yourself will never happen. Because to have that wholesome life, you must have a wholesome heart. You don’t have a heart at all. You will end up alone, with your savings account and your 401K, and look around your fancy house to realize that it all means nothing. That you sacrificed your life, and your love, to end up surrounded by useless, inanimate things. You will look back and remember the boy you once were- the boy I fell madly in love with- and regret ever letting him change. Your zest for your life, your spontaneity, your genuineness. They are all gone, missing from the shell you are now.
You will miss that boy. And you will miss this girl. But I will be gone, long gone once you reach this realization. I will be gone living a life full of wonder, and love, and everything I’ve ever wanted. Because I am going now to get those things. I am going after all the things I have ever wanted, and that you have kept me from. Romance, rom-coms!, picnics at the park, date night at the wine bar, holding hands while on a late-night stroll, goodnight cuddles, a never-faltering trust, feeling valued, feeling appreciated, feeling loved. I want those things and I will have them.
Do not try to stand in my way.