He Doesn’t Know He Assaulted Me

John Tyler
John Tyler

I knew what was going to happen if I invited him over. At least, I thought I did. I was babysitting that night, and the mom told me I could have a friend over. So, I invited him. He had been asking me to hang out for weeks now, and I figured, why the hell not? I was getting a little bored of being good, honestly. I had almost 90 days clean, I wasn’t sleeping around, and I wanted to have a little fun – in what I thought would be a safe way. The guy I had been seeing had just moved to California, too. I was still pretty upset about it, and I wanted a sort of distraction. So I decided to take a chance, and I told him he could come over for an hour or so.

We had been talking over Facebook and texting for a few weeks, but this was the first time I had actually met him in person. We had mutual friends, so I figured he was pretty safe to be around. He was actually friends with the son of the mother I was babysitting for – the oldest son, who didn’t live at home anymore.

He showed up at the front door, and I was surprised by how cute he was. Charming, too. At least at first. We put on a movie – Shrek. For a while we made small talk and got to know each other, simple little things. When he put his arm around me, I wasn’t surprised. I knew he hadn’t come over to watch a children’s movie. I looked up at him, and he kissed me. It was nice at first. We were both adults (well, almost, with me being 17), and knew what we were doing.

But then things started to get rough. He grabbed my hair when he kissed me. I was used to boys doing that, but not this hard. He would pull my head back and kiss my neck, or just pull my hair because he could. He was smiling when he did it, though, and he would tell me I was pretty. I thought that made it okay.

I wasn’t a virgin, and I definitely wasn’t innocent. I had been in some pretty intense situations before, so I went with it. Right off the bat though, I told him, “I’m not having sex with you tonight.” I wanted to make that clear, in case he had different intentions than me.

Some people would call me a tease for inviting a boy over and then not sleeping with him – he actually called me a “tease” and said I was “leading him on” multiple times that night. It didn’t bother me, because I was still going to stick with my gut – and my gut was telling me not to go all the way.

We made out for a while, doing what teenagers did. At one point he started getting a little too hands-on, so I told him I needed to go check on the kids and make sure they were okay. It was a lie, but I wanted to take a break. I went upstairs and checked on them, and sure enough they were sound asleep.

When I came back downstairs, things got even more intense. He pulled me onto his lap and started kissing my neck. I said, “you’re missing the movie” in the hopes that he would slow down, but it didn’t work. It usually did.

He had his hands on my butt when he kissed me, over the top of my jeans. At one point he slid them under, but I stopped him. “Too far,” I said, making sure that he knew I was serious.

He told me, “I just like to grab ass when I make out, it’s no big deal”, but he listened to me and stayed on top of my clothes – for a while.

I had told him earlier in the night that my favorite animal was a cat, and he said to me, “you’re my little kitten”. I wasn’t a huge fan of dirty talk, and it made me a bit uncomfortable. But I went with it, because I thought that was what I was supposed to do.

He got on top of me on the couch, getting a little more aggressive. Still, nothing seemed too out of the ordinary. He said, “you like that, huh?” I didn’t know what to do, so I said, “yes”. To be honest, I was turned on at this point. I did like it.

What I didn’t like was that after I said that, he said, “You mean yes sir, don’t you?”

That statement made me uncomfortable, but I still went with it.

“Yes, sir”.

I figured that if that was as weird as things got that night, I would be fine. I had never been with anyone who was so dominant, but I wasn’t nervous or anything. I assumed that he just liked being in charge – honestly, I was fine with that.

I started to get a little nervous when he turned me over on my stomach and got on top of me, kissing my neck. Our clothes were still on though, so I let it happen. I had done things like this before.

What I hadn’t done was be in a male dominant sexual encounter. Not to this extent, anyways. He kept saying “do I need to punish you?” and my response was always something along the lines of “maybe” or “wouldn’t you like to know”. I knew that I was flirting, even leading him on, but that wasn’t my intention. I didn’t want to say yes because I was scared it would take things farther, but I didn’t want to say no because I was scared he would get upset.

At one point, I didn’t say “sir” after my response. I didn’t think anything of it, but he did. He put his hands around my neck and squeezed, starting to choke me. It wasn’t so hard that I couldn’t breathe, but it definitely was not comfortable, and I did not feel like it was for me at all. He said, “say it properly”, and once I did, he let go.

He would say things like “purr for me, kitten,” and if I didn’t, he would grab my face and slap it. Not hard enough to leave a mark, but firm enough to let me know he was serious. At this point in the night, I was starting to feel very uncomfortable.

I knew some people liked things rough, but I was not one of them. He told me to “put your face in the corner of the couch, on your stomach, ass up”. I guess I didn’t do it fast enough, because he flipped me over and positioned me in the way that he wanted. He told me to “wiggle my ass”, and when I wasn’t doing it to his liking – not fast enough, or sexy enough – he would slap it, or shove my face down into the couch. I wasn’t allowed to look at him, move, or have any response other than “yes, sir”.

At one point he had me bent over the couch, with my knees on the ground. He forced my knees together and laid himself over me, thrusting on top of me. He kept saying to “back that ass up”, and if I didn’t, he would do it himself. Eventually I just did as he asked, to make things easier.

When I was in that position, he asked me, “If I left, would you stay like this?” I didn’t have time to answer, because he then said, “don’t fucking move” and got up, sitting next to me on the couch. He looked at me with a smirk on his face, testing me, waiting to see how long I would stay in such a degrading position – face down, ass up. I stayed like that for a moment, but hated being in such a position. I got up, and when I saw the look on his face, got on top of him in the hopes he wouldn’t be upset. He wasn’t, because he had a teenage girl straddling him.

I got the most nervous at one point when I was lying on my stomach, and he covered my mouth with one hand, and plugged my nose with the other. I could not breathe, and I remained like that for what seemed like several moments (but was probably less than a minute) while he grinded against me, on top of me.

I moved my face to the side, gasping for air, and said, “I can’t breathe”. He didn’t respond to that, but he moved his hands away from my mouth for a while.

At one point he was on top of me, and he pinned my hands behind my back, holding them there. He said, “don’t move” and started kissing my neck again, sliding his hands all over me. He slid one hand underneath my jeans, and when I said “too far”, he said, “It’s not a big deal”.

It was a very big deal, to me at least. I had already told him I was not comfortable with going that far. I tried to explain that, but he just kept saying, “I’m in charge”. At this point I did not feel comfortable at all.

I pulled my hand out of his grasp and grabbed the hand that was down my pants, pulling it back up. “No,” I said firmly. That was not something I was going to deal with.

He didn’t try to do it again, but he did tell me to “knock off that attitude”. I simply told him I didn’t have an attitude, but I tried to keep my voice upbeat. I was so confused, and all I knew was that I didn’t want to upset him.

Even when he pushed up my shirt and my bra, and started kissing and biting me in places that I didn’t want to be touched, I didn’t want to upset him. I told him “too far” once again, but I didn’t do anything other than that to discourage him. I had to pull him off of my chest, but once I did that I kissed him, so he wouldn’t be upset.

He pulled me on top of him and kissed me, grabbing my hair and pulling it. It didn’t exactly hurt, so I didn’t say anything about it. I still saw this behavior as normal.

He grabbed me by the shoulders and started to push me down towards his crotch, but I sat up and said, “I told you I wasn’t going that far”. He tried to convince me that it was “no big deal”, but I said no. I wasn’t going to let things go that route, for either of us.

He tried to get me to take things further than I wanted again when he grabbed my hand and put it over the crotch of his jeans, saying, “come on, just above the pants”. I said no, and that I didn’t want things to go that far. My reasoning that I told him was that I barely knew him, but it was actually mainly because I worried that if I went that far, he would think it was okay to take things even farther.

He kept saying, “next time then” every time I said no to something. I didn’t really say anything to him when he said that, because I didn’t know what to say. I was worried that if I said there wasn’t going to be a next time, he would insist on doing more than I was comfortable with that night. But I knew that if I said okay to that, I would be obliged to do things I really didn’t want to do the next time I saw him.

Throughout the night, he kept saying “I’m the boss” and “You have to listen to me”. It made me nervous when he said these things, but I didn’t know what to do about it, so I either kept quiet or said, “yes sir” when he demanded an answer.

I knew that throughout the night I had been flirting, kissing him, and even leading him on. He made me nervous, but there was a small part of me that liked that, craved that even. But there was a bigger part of me that knew this was not normal behavior for two teenagers who had just met.

Still, I didn’t stop him. I didn’t even lead him to believe that he did anything wrong. I said no a couple times when he was pushing me too far, but I would then kiss him to distract him from what he had been doing before. At no point in the night had I told him that I was scared, uncomfortable, or wanted him to leave – although I was all of those things at multiple points throughout the evening.

He was only there for about an hour and a half. I told him that the mom was coming home at 9:30, even though I knew she wouldn’t be home until much later in the night. He left at 9:15, and the mom got home at 11:00. That gave me almost two hours to think about what had happened.

Most girls would kill to have been in my position – a very cute, older boy wanted to hang out with me, and was attracted to me. But not many girls would have enjoyed what really went on that night. I certainly didn’t. At times I was turned on, yes. But the majority of the time I was too scared to say no, or even let him think that I was anything other than ecstatic because of what he was doing. That’s how uncomfortable I was.

We never had sex. He made sure that he didn’t push me that far. We never touched each other’s genitals without at least one layer of clothing between us. We were never naked together, and more importantly, I never led him to believe that he was doing anything wrong.

The few instances where I said “no”, he backed off, for at least a little while. But other than that, he was in charge, and he knew it. He always had been in charge, and he always would be.

In fact, as I was writing this, I received a text message from him. It simply says “heyy :)”.

I can’t decide if I’m going to text him back or not. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

More From Thought Catalog