When you made the decision to end everything between us, did you think of me at all? Did you think about the repercussions your words would have on me? At all? Honestly, I’m just genuinely curious.
Did you tell yourself, “She’ll get over it”? Did it make it easier to tell yourself that to avoid the guilt that would come from shattering me?
When did words and promises become so empty to you? You were always one for such deep and intellectual thoughts. I remember being completely enamored by everything you ever said. You spoke with such grace and beauty towards me, even when you were in the silliest of moods.
But it all came up empty. They were lies. You lied. Over and over and over
And I know it’s been three months and I am almost completely over this….it still hits me hard sometimes. Too hard. I’m in a much better place and I don’t crash into these thoughts often but when i do, they hit so damn hard.
I remember the things you used to say to me sometimes about how you felt about me and what I meant to you and now I find myself wondering how I believed every single word that came out of your mouth those 6-7 months. How did I manage to become so blinded and infatuated that I believed all of it?
That phone call, the few minutes before, that entire day…were you thinking about yourself only? Did I cross your mind for even a second? That maybe this isn’t the right thing to do…or at least the right way? Did you think that your words and actions have consequences? Not just for you but for me too? Did you know that I would cry myself to sleep and wake up feeling sick to my stomach? Did you know that I would stop eating? Or that I barely spoke to my mom for two weeks because I couldn’t bear the thought of her hearing my cracked voice?
I haven’t thought about all of this in weeks. But the exhaustion is hitting and that’s when the sadness hits as well. The confusion. The guilt. The pain. It still lingers from time to time. But it’s not because of losing you. No, that is my gain. The lingering pain is because of how far I let you get inside my mind. You infiltrated every single aspect of my life and it was all a lie and I just watched while it destroyed me. I watched while you destroyed me. I watched myself destroy me.
And I know it’s up to me and only me to fix what you left behind.
“She’ll get over it.”
She sure as hell will.
I went on a long walk around downtown tonight with some friends. I had such an amazing time.
We walked past the area by the water you and I went to once. There was a branch that grew out over the water and we climbed on it. And then we walked under the bridge where we were supposed to jump off of one day. And then we walked by the bridge area with benches where we once sat and talked. At the time I was probably thinking that was one of the best times I had with you. The downtown adventure roaming and exploring…but I remember now what happened before that and after that.
And that’s when the memories don’t look so glossy and beautiful. They feel tainted and distant. It was one of the worst nights I’ve ever had. You lied to me with so many words and promises and I believed you at the time. You said everything would be okay. You promised me that you were never going anywhere and that you would ALWAYS be here. Always and forever. You said it to me over and over and over again. You cried and wept into my shoulder and begged me to never let you go. And I promised you I wouldn’t.
But to be honest all I wanted that night was distance and space from you. But I knew how much you didn’t want that so I held it all in and spent every second with you until the next day. Why did it all seem like it was perfect at the time? I told myself it was okay for some reason. That I would make these sacrifices for you and that it was normal. I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem all that glamorous to me anymore.
So anyway, I took a trip down memory lane today. But I didn’t dwell. I remembered. Felt guilty. Realized how much of a better place I am in now and made new memories. Better memories. With better people. People that won’t do to me what you did.
I had so much fun. I was reckless and silly and it was a beautiful night and it didn’t feel like anything was missing.
I realized how much I was missing in the past. The happiness I feel now is incomparable to what I thought was actual happiness with you. This happiness is real and the love I feel for those around me is rooted in trust and patience and the promise of protecting me when I need it and not letting go when things get tough. It may not be romantic, but I couldn’t be happier honestly.
I’m going to sleep and as I drift off, I’m going to feel you slowly drift away as well and I’ll wake up in the morning and you’ll feel like a random dream I had and I’ll get up without hesitation and start my day. It was hard at the beginning. It was really hard.
But I’m happy now. I feel my purpose. I feel free. I feel so happy and light and free.