4 Ridiculous Male Phobias You Probably Didn’t Care To Think About

Shutterstock / Ilya Andriyanov
Shutterstock / Ilya Andriyanov

1. Bald Man’s Phobia

The average man has a horrific fear of going bald or being bald. In dealing with Bald Man’s Phobia, men often compensate for the lack of hair on top by growing excess hair in other places such as the face, neck, shoulders back and even the knuckles. Many still cope by growing hair long in the back and proudly display the ape drape/monkey mane. It’s not uncommon to see balding men sporting a stout beard, mustache or goatee. It’s called the Compensating Factor.

Bald Man’s Phobia also manifests itself strongly in the professional type that opts for a man wig (aka toupee). The majority of men donning a man wig can either be seen carrying a briefcase or coaching college basketball. Bald Man’s Phobia may also lead to men spiking and styling what little hair they have left in attempt to build a hair nest around the shiny donut prevalent on the crown of balding men’s heads.

Of course, a strong population of those suffering from Bald Man’s Phobia opt for primitive surgery in the form of simply shaving their head twice a week. These are typically eager/aggressive types that are just ready to accelerate the inevitable journey to baldness. These types are to be saluted. Then there are the desperate Bald Man’s Phobia types that buy in to gimmicks such as spraying hair out of an aerosol can into their bald spots. These men usually end up in some cult as they are weak and desperate. Those suffering from Bald Man’s Phobia are often the object of unknown ridicule and ultimately become loners because nobody wants to chill with somebody diagnosed with Bald Man’s Phobia.

2. Short Man’s Phobia

Men 5’6” and under are to be saluted. Just make sure you are looking down to make eye contact when saluting. Short Man’s Phobia is a rugged phobia that manifests itself in some interesting ways. The first is that those suffering from Short Man’s Phobia typically compensate by going wide.

How do they do this? By joining a gym, getting a steroid connection and adding size horizontally. It makes them appear larger than they are. Short Man’s Phobia
isn’t all bad as those suffering from this phobia are suited to be a cult leader like Charles Manson (5’2”) or a dictator like Napoleon (5’6”). The lack of height produces an inner aggression that can lead to pseudo-success like taking control of Europe.

Those suffering from Short Man’s Phobia typically hide at least one of their small hands by placing it inside their coat when being photographed. Another way men deal with Short Man’s Phobia is by driving the largest truck they can find and decking it out with huge, toughy tires and every unnecessary accessory they can possibly find. Unless of course, the man suffering from Short Man’s Phobia is also suffering from Bald Man’s Phobia and when that’s the case this man moves to a small Asian country to find a woman who’s OK with his height and hair. He then begins to thrive because in that small Asian country, he is actually a large man.

3. Muscle Man Phobia.

This is a very complex phobia in that the muscle-bound male has become very aggressive and moody due to his reliance on steroids and attention. Those
suffering from Muscle Man Phobia suffer from poor circulation in that they are totally committed to wearing shirts that are two sizes smaller than what they should be wearing.

Why? Because those afflicted with Muscle Man Phobia need for the world to recognize that they work out hard and have much more muscle and drive than you or I. Those diagnosed with Muscle Man Phobia can be seen wearing tank-tops or no shirt at all. These types love getting asked 100 times a day, “How long you been working out?” A mean, aggressive and well groomed mustache or goatee only add to the glorious mystique of this people group. Men with Muscle Man Phobia typically like for their women to be muscled up also. In fact it’s often difficult to differentiate which is the male and which is the female in the relationship. “Dude, I just finished working out can I call you later?,” is the typical response when you call a man with Muscle Man Phobia.

A decent look is when you combine Bald Man’s Phobia with Muscle Man Phobia. This equals the muscled-up, bald man with a protruding forehead brooding about the planet in search of another pair of camouflage pants and a better protein shake.

4. Aging Man Phobia.

Whew. This one is brutal. I mean brutal. Do you really want to sit down to dinner with Bruce Jenner and have to make eye contact while trying ignore that thing that sits on top of his head that he is mistaking for hair? Do you? Let’s applaud Kenny Rogers for sticking with the grey hair after that budget procedure gave him Asian eyes. Aging Man Phobia actually boosts a few sectors such as tanning booths, low-end salons that specialize in dying men’s hair and clothing retailer, The Buckle.

You can spot men with Aging Man Phobia at The Buckle trying on bling bling jeans, sharp- toed boots and shirts with aggressive crosses, lettering and unnecessary fraying. These men typically are over 50 and embrace purchases such as an expensive guitar that they will never play or a Corvette. Just a Corvette. No other car will do. Men dealing with Aging Man Phobia are often in turmoil due to also dealing with Bald Man’s Phobia or Short Man’s Phobia. Next time you see an older, muscled-up guy driving a Corvette and he happens to be bald, you should follow him. Straight to the mall as he is on the prowl for bling bling jeans, sharp-toed boots and a shirt with aggressive crosses, lettering and unnecessary fraying. You can bet your next paycheck that mall has a low end salon with a tanning booth. TC mark

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