He answered the call. He answered the call while I was lying naked underneath him. Moments ago he was kissing my neck and I was running my nails down his back and now he was taking a call from an unknown number. “Its Emily” I can hear muffled on the other end, though he’s oblivious to my awareness. Some girl. Some girl who he had met that night, I can only assume.
Images rush through my mind. The two of them exchanging glances and flirting at the bar. They laugh, they kiss, she takes his number… It seemed all too familiar. I was that girl a few months ago. Months. For months I had let this be my reality, let myself think this is what I wanted? She wanted to be in my position. She wanted to be the girl lying naked underneath him, and I don’t blame her. He was handsome, he was interesting, and he was charming. I wonder if he came across as more of a gentleman, as having more class, for not taking her home that very night. In that moment I hated him for it. I wish Emily knew the truth. I wish she knew he had only held back because he already had me waiting to get under him. Waiting to get on top of him. To have him inside me anyway he pleased.
“Sorry I can’t talk, I’m with some friends”. Did he just apologize? To Emily? She didn’t deserve an apology, she was lucky. She was lucky that I was the girl lying naked underneath him. He had all control over me. I could leave if I wanted to but even now I didn’t want to. Even after he took the call from the drunk girl he had met at the bar that night. Even after he casually dispelled my existence and said he was with some friends. He had all control over me.
I longed for his attention and his affection, still. He stayed cool, he stayed casual, and as he hung up, he looked at me. He waited for my reaction and I gave him nothing. I starred blankly up at him, hurt, and not knowing how or if I should express it. I wasn’t supposed to have feelings, this was casual, he didn’t owe me anything. My thoughts continued to race to next weekend when I wouldn’t be in the city and he would return Emily’s call. She would get herself into my very position, just like she wanted. She would get herself on top of him and have him inside of her anyway he pleased. I was sure of it… How did I let this happen to me? For months I let this man have all control over me without any promise or expectations or true respect. This wasn’t what I wanted, in that moment I knew this to be true.
Then he started kissing my neck again. He hadn’t said a word.
He had apologized to the drunk girl he met at the bar that night and he hadn’t apologized to the one lying naked underneath him. But as he started kissing my neck again I didn’t even care and I hated myself for it. He had all control over me. I stayed. And I said nothing. And I forgot about the call. And I pleased him and he oh so pleased me. He cuddled and caressed me and I felt safe. I felt adored. He kissed my bare skin and rubbed my back and I felt wanted. I felt appreciated. I felt so at ease, so comfortable and so satisfied. I completely forgot that this wasn’t what I wanted. I hope Emily never feels this way. I hope she stays lucky. I hope he never has control over another girl the way he has control over me. And I hope he never makes another girl feel the way he makes me feel… absolutely fooled.