He was my boyfriend. I didn’t know him though. I was suffering at that time. Sad, confused, zero self-esteem, rigid, rude, tired of life, blah blah; I was trying real hard to hold myself together. Or maybe I was not trying. Secluded from my people, I just found him out of nowhere. Or he planned it? I’ll never know. And I don’t want to know.
He seemed harmless and tad awkward. I was not much into tiring my brains during that phase. He didn’t make me feel happy. He just kept me busy. May be that was all that I wanted then.
Cuddling and making out with him helped me kept my cool. One day, I met him after college. He took me to some flat. While we were on our way, he said, “We will not have sex until we get married.” I agreed.
I was just not thinking rather I was fooling myself. So, we went to that place. After few minutes of making out on couch; he took me to bed. That was nothing new for me. We used to make out back at my place as well.
He began undressing me. I was feeling fine. He got me excited. Suddenly he forced himself onto me. Ah! I’ll never forget that moment. I screamed like a bewildered woman in pain because I was in pain. He kept forcing himself, unperturbed by my screams. I continued to push him away, all in vain.
Those few minutes add to the worst moments of my life. Somehow my toe-nail dug in his leg and he got away. I shouted at him, and he said, “But you were enjoying it before.”
The pain stayed for days, accompanied with bleeding. I got fine with time, though that sensation of helplessness lingers. Of course, I never met him again.
Messed up, it is. I was not in my right mind. I can’t put whole of the blame on him. I shouldn’t have trusted him in the first place.
Past mistake are meant to guide you, not define you.