It is easier to pretend like you didn’t hurt me and leave me feeling like the elephant in the room. Because the alternative – the result of my misjudgment in telling you that you did – is far worse.
Now, I have to walk into a room of my peers, my friends, knowing good and well that you are still completely present. You are not actually here, not physically at least. But your evil words are still lingering. Your ill-natured actions still are here. What started as a friend looking for an apology, has left me far more hurt and far more deserving of an all new apology. You’ve succeeded in ruining me in a way you probably never knew possible.
As a friend I confided in you some of my deepest secrets. Maybe I’m sensitive. Maybe I hold onto others’ secrets more seriously than most. But to me, the confidence my friends trust in me is not something to be taken lightly. Their vulnerability is not something to rehash with other friends later on. It is not something to ever be used against them, especially not for my own personal gains… or worse, as blackmail.
But you’ve succeeded. You’ve won. Your competitive nature is what makes you this way. You’ve successfully damaged your friendship with me, and are making it impossible for your “friends” to forgive you. The most insane part is that you think you’ve made amends, you actually think we are on good terms! Oh, the hilarity.
What you fail to realize, is that my reality now is that I must walk into a room filled with my friends and I must become so self-conscious and so self-aware. I am left to wonder how many of them know my personal secrets that I trusted in you. How many of them know about the sad confessions I shared with you? What do they know about me that I have never told them? And it’s horrible. It is the most isolating feeling in the world. They wonder why I never come out anymore. They wonder where I’ve been. And the truth is – I’ve been hiding. It is easier to be alone than to face my reality. I no longer feel like I can trust anyone.
And why is this reality? Because you were upset things weren’t going the way you wanted and you twisted my words and shared my secrets with our friends. You’ve made me out to be some sad pathetic human being. I shared with you something personal, and you made it into a joke. You laughed at my expense with my peers when I wasn’t around.
When you wonder why things between us aren’t the same, please understand that these people who you run your mouth to are my friends also, and they are not afraid to tell me what goes on behind my back.