It has been eight weeks since I last spoke to you. It has been 10 weeks since I’ve last seen you.Your face is blurry in my mind. I like it that way. I don’t want that smile and those dimples of yours to have a hold over me ever again.
Will they, though? Have a hold over me ever again? Because after two months I’ve finally realized that I am not the person I was before you ended our relationship. You left me crippled and broken and I decided that I wasn’t going to be that person so I have changed. I am not the same person anymore.
I have had the best last few days in a very long time. I’ve been laughing and enjoying life more than I ever did when we were together or even before that. I’m a different person. I have a different outlook on life and love and friendship and I react to stimuli differently and I approach things in a way that I did not before. Not to say I wasn’t happy with you, I know I was. But it was a different happy. This happy is…new and exciting. It’s independent of anything other than my own decision to be happy with who I am and where I am going in life. And that is so unbelievably liberating. To finally allow myself to be the one to make me smile and laugh and giggle. I’m falling in love with myself. It’s something I’ve never done before.
I am enjoying life on my own terms. I am not allowing a boy to dictate how I feel. I am not allowing thoughts of you to completely ruin my demeanor and emotions. I believe that we do not have any control of the situations we are put in throughout our lives. I believe that things happen and things change and that is something we cannot control. What we can control, however, is how we feel and react to these bumps and changes. I am taking control of my emotional well-being and making sure I heal in the best way possible.
I still miss you at times. The old you, of course. I don’t really know who you are now. I’m sure you’ve changed. I mean you changed 12 hours after you told me you loved me and you couldn’t wait to see me in a week, so two months must have really had an effect on you.
Or maybe it didn’t. I don’t know. I don’t know where you are or who you are or what you do for fun or who your friends are. And I’m okay with that. I am finally okay with that.
This new me isn’t as soft and frail as she was before. She’s stronger and can hold herself better than before. She won’t allow herself to be riled up by people who have hurt and abused her. She will not let herself be tortured by “what ifs” and “what could have been.”
I’m new. I’m different. I’ve improved. I will change significantly more over the next few months. And I can’t wait because I’m loving who I am becoming.
So thank you for breaking me. Thank you for letting me go. Because this new version of me is better than before. And you will never have her.