To The Boy Who Loved Me But Cheated Anyway

It’s a tale as old as time, just not the one Disney told us about. Boy loves girl. Boy cheats on girl. Boy loses girl. I should start by clarifying one thing. I use the word boy because men don’t cheat. Men have courage to walk away before the line is crossed. They are honest and open and communicate when things are wrong. But you, my friend, are a boy. A boy is someone who has a lot of growing up to do but thinks they are unstoppable. Boys are immature and unable to deal with life when it gets hard. So when you ran away when things got difficult (and especially when you ran into the arms and lips of another girl) you put yourself in the boy box and I’m not sure when you’ll get out.

I was never the relationship type. I ran away from love for fear of getting hurt and losing yet another person that I cared for. Before you, I was scared and guarded. I never let myself fall, for fear of not being able to pick myself back up. I shied away from guys, and focused on my school work and my friends and work. Sure, I kept boys in my life, but strictly as friends. And things inevitably got muddy whenever that line became blurred. So I was vulnerable, and unaware of what I was missing out on by not giving love a chance.

But then you came in with your devilish smile and bad boy persona and swept me off my feet. Somewhere between movie dates, bad grilled cheese sandwiches, and spending hours doing nothing except being together and enjoying each other’s company, I fell in love with you. And that love made me lose a lot of things. Because of you, and us, I lost the fear of letting myself fall and be happy with someone else. I lost the confusion I used to feel when someone talked about how happy love made them. I lost the feeling that I wasn’t good enough, and that I wasn’t lovable. I lost the inability to let people in, and to fall in love and share my life with someone. I lost the idea that relationships were something I’d never be good at. I lost the ability to say I’ll never get married, because you made me see commitment and spending your life with someone differently. And for all these things- these “losses” – I truly thank you. You showed me I can be loved and that I have love to give to others, and for that, I’ll never be able to repay you. You changed my life forever.

But there are some things that I lost due to our relationship that I can’t and won’t thank you for. I lost myself because of you. I couldn’t see the good side of a new situation. I couldn’t be happy where I was because you made me feel guilty about it. I lost the friends I had kept for so long because you couldn’t handle those relationships. I lost weight because I was so stressed out and distraught about you, thinking that this was all my fault. I lost my confidence and self-love because I had forgotten that I don’t need someone to validate me or make me feel worth it. Somewhere along the way, I lost my ability to see the good in any situation and make a new place my own. I was scared to fall in love with a new city and my new life for fear of you falling out of love with me. And it seems that, unfortunately, those fears were warranted.

Somewhere along the way, things got hard. Maybe it was the distance, maybe it was something or someone else. Whatever it was, the end result is the same: our love for each other isn’t enough to sustain a relationship. And your curiosity about another girl cemented that fact. Such is life and so it goes.

I guess I should say thank you for showing me that I have a lot of love to give. But I also feel like a big screw you is in order. Sure, I could weep and mope and feel inadequate because you chose someone else. But I won’t. Because you doing that shows me that I deserve more. I deserve someone who wants me and will be there for me. I deserve someone better than you. You led me on and made me fall and took my heart and stomped on it. Over and over again. You dragged me through the mud but, funnily enough, you are the one who came out dirty.

You have to face the consequence of your actions. I can wipe myself off and walk away from the mess you made. But you have to live in it and deal with it. I get to look back on us and know that there is nothing more I could have done to save us. I can move on with my head held high, knowing that there are better things to come for me.

You ruined this. I fought for us but you pulled away from me and from us and shot down any chance we had. Rather than trying to fix things between us, you drowned your sorrows in booze and another girl. You let your past color our future. You said you’d never hurt me and then continued to do so over and over again without batting an eye and not caring at all. You fooled me. You said you were one thing and turned out to be another. The person I loved isn’t the one I left behind. And the one I left behind isn’t someone I can go back to.

So goodbye, boy who loved me and cheated anyways. I hope things get better for you down the road. I hope one day you can let someone love you like I tried to. I hope you change your ways. I hope you realize what you lost. Boy who cheated, I hope you one day earn the title of man.