When we first begin the courting process, we always tend to cover small tidbits of our previous relationships. During this conversation we are so focused on the reasons why the relationship failed and what our last partner did wrong, always skipping over what he/she did right; a huge piece of information that we all could potentially learn from.
He didn’t help around the house. She didn’t like to cook. He was too into video games. She was too clingy. We hear this in just about every instance and fail to realize that we need to know the good things to make any possible future that much better.
“She picked out my work clothes every morning.”
“He used to stop at a Redbox, pick up a movie and then grab dinner every Friday.”
“She knew my favorite beer and always had some in the fridge when I would come over.”
Many of you read that and say “Well if I do the same thing, it will be a constant reminder of the ex” and you couldn’t be more wrong.
Face it, once we fully let go of an ex, we come to learn what we liked and didn’t like, the habits we couldn’t stand and we eventually add them to our “standards” or our “do’s and don’ts” lists when it comes to dating. We evolve and better figure out what we want out of the next relationship. Then why is it that the next relationship isn’t always successful? Because we aren’t paying attention to the “Do’s” of our new partners list, we are too focused on the don’ts since that’s all that we know.
It’s easy, just ask. Doing so will allow you to get to know what your possible future partner likes. Don’t take offense to “She did this and I liked it”. Make a mental note and maybe add that into your daily routine or wherever it may fit. This eliminates that possible future argument where you feel like you’re being compared to the ex. Learn from the good and the bad. Take notes.
You not doing small things (like stocking their favorite beer in your fridge or learning their favorite type of music) could potentially cause them to miss their ex as much as you believe doing similar things could do the same. You’re technically providing them added happiness by doing these random small things that they appreciate. In a man’s case, it’s very rare he even misses his ex, he just misses the Sunday’s he got to spend unbothered watching football or waking up in the AM with his work pants ironed so he can sleep an extra 10 minutes. In a women’s case, she doesn’t miss her ex either she just enjoys getting flowers randomly, or you walking out of the gas station with her favorite candy in your hand.
In my current relationship I constantly ask about everything. When I say everything, I mean everything (i.e.: his favorite dish she cooked, the sex, the rituals, the small unexpected gifts). It’s good to know these things. I do apologize at times for making it seem like I’m prying but I do let him know that I just want to learn and possibly do things in my power to make things stronger or better. I am also very open about the things of my past relationships that I enjoyed. This helps us get to know each other on a level that most of us don’t think it’s okay to share.
So a word of advice: Share the good and the bad. Talk to your significant other and learn from one another. I know it will help you just as much as it’s helped me.