Cougars And The Existential Dilemma

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I swipe right on women of all ages, but it seems like it’s only the older ones that I get “It’s a Match!”

They’re usually in their early-to-mid 40’s; a decade or so older than me.

I recently told my sister I met someone. “Let me guess. She’s a 45-year-old attorney who does yoga,” said my sister.

She knows me well.

I feel more comfortable around older women. I don’t have as much social anxiety.

If a woman my age rejects me I feel like I’m not good enough. But if an older woman doesn’t want to date me: Who cares because it probably wouldn’t have worked anyway.

Plus I don’t know what to say to the younger ones. “Have you been to any good clubs lately?”

I realized something else after reading Albert Camus’ existential novel The Stranger last week.

The book’s main character Meursault is a dispassionate, disconnected man who goes to trial for killing another man. Meursault doesn’t even really know why he shot the guy. When pressed for an explanation he said he was disoriented by the sun.

While in jail awaiting execution, Meursault starts appreciating life once he gives up hope that he’ll get a reprieve. He doesn’t know his execution date, but he knows the executioners usually come at dawn. So every night he stays up in his cell and waits. If they haven’t come by morning he knows he has another day to live.

There’s this fucked-up thing I do when I date an older woman. I start doing the math on how much longer I’ll find her attractive. If she’s 44-years-old I figure I have 8 or 10 years left.

It’s shallow, and ignores the reality that I’m aging too, and that my perception of beauty will probably change as I get older.

But it’s how my crazy mind works.

The woman I met recently is Cynthia. She’s well-read, intelligent, and beautiful.

But it’s not going to last.

Either we’ll break up because that’s what happens when there’s a 12-year age difference. Or I have a limited amount of time to enjoy her for the beauty she is right now.

We have a date tomorrow. I’m going to take her by the hand, give her a smile, and enjoy our moment. TC mark

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