Halloween is a time for all the world’s single people to dress seductively and have anonymous sexual encounters with each other. Halloween night brings infinite opportunities for juicy hook-ups. However, you should definitely keep your wits about you. With the spooky season upon us, it’s time to make a list of dudes to not make out with this Halloween.
1. Dudes with overt penis costumes.
You know who I’m talking about. The guy dressed as a fisherman with a fishing pole connected to his fly. The man dressed as a light switch with the word “ON” nonchalantly placed over his crotch. Stay away from Overt Penis Guy. Chances are, he is illiterate.
2. Racist costume guy.
He’s a white guy dressed as a “cholo” or has taken it upon himself to dress in blackface. First, give him a history book and a slap on the wrist. Second, leave whatever party where this guy is welcome.
3. Man dressed as a cuddly animal.
Whether he’s shape-shifted into the form of a puppy, panda, or skunk, there’s something that’s just fishy about cuddly animal man. What is he hiding inside his fluffy onesie? Is this a one-time costume, or does he moonlight as a furry when he’s not working as a barista and living with his mom?
4. Guy who is one-half of a couple’s costume.
He came to the party with his girlfriend, but she has now mysteriously disappeared and seems to be barfing up her seven vodka tonics. It appears that he’s Popeye and she’s an intoxicated and seasick Olive Oyl. Sure, he looks lonely standing over there by himself, but you don’t need to be the one to play tonsil-hockey with him. Besides, he should be holding his girlfriend’s hair back, not looking for makeout partners.
5. Shirtless dude.
“What’s your costume?” “I’m a buff guy, duh!” Maybe he’s channeling a Jersey Shore persona or Marky Mark circa 1992, but either way he’s just trying to show off his guns. Shirtless Dude can sometimes be an acceptable hook-up; he is ripped, after all. Just don’t be surprised if he’s more into checking himself out than you when you wake up in his mirror-filled apartment.
6. The guy who showed up without a costume.
Sure, Halloween’s not for everybody, but who doesn’t love getting wasted while wearing hilarious hats? All he had to do was draw a lightning bolt on his head and be a dapper Harry Potter. Instead, he is moping in the corner, trying to find free beer while cracking jokes about everyone else that dressed up.
7. Boy in an Ebola-related outfit.
If I see anyone wearing a HAZMAT suit, or donning a shirt with a picture of the Ebola virus on it, I am going to punch them in the head. It’s not funny; it’s in incredibly poor taste and down right messed-up. Just…don’t.
8. Anyone who puts you down.
Girl, I know you are going to be the finest Katniss Everdeen the Halloween world has ever seen. Don’t let anyone refer to you as “slutty,” “fat,” or “basic.” Rock your costume, whatever it may be, and don’t settle for anyone who makes you feel less than amazing. Halloween only comes once a year, so don’t waste your time on someone who is not going to worship you like the festive fall vixen that you are.