Well you clicked this article so I’m glad you’re here. If you clicked this you either wanted to see how stupid this “how to” was or you really want to know how to do this. For those of you who actually thought you’d find an answer here, I’d like to state right off the bat that there is NOTHING you can do to ensure that a potential human will be your significant other. No matter how many lists you read, cosmos you pore over, friends you talk to or hours you spend analyzing text messages NOTHING will guarantee that the person you are talking to/tindering/dating/hooking up with/sleeping with will lead to anything whatsoever.

The list I am going to give is just something that I have taken from my own recent experience. One which I thought was leading to a relationship. Apparently, I did nothing wrong. Apparently, he still thinks I’m a beautiful and amazing person and he wants to continue this amazing friendship we have forged in the past few months. Unfortunately for me I really do want to be friends with him, and I’m going to attempt to move past my feelings because although it would be easier to cut him out of my life completely and just move on with my life I now can’t picture NOT being friends with him. It wasn’t just about the romantic part for me – we’ve become extremely close friends (which I also thought was a great basis for “the next step”).

Now here’s the list of things I have learned that no matter what you read or hear or what ANYONE tells you, mean absolute shit when it comes to relationships and dating. Every situation is unique to the two people involved. One last thing- everything I state below happened to me. These are all things that are going to sound familiar to you and are concepts you have been taught indicating that “this one’s a keeper” or that “you’ve found him. Stop looking”. Sorry, but none of it actually matters.

Lame Indicators That Apparently Lead To A Relationship

1. He’s the first to text you
2. He responds to your texts in a normal window of time
3. He asks and genuinely cares about your day
4. You don’t have sex on the first date
5. He introduces you to family members
6. He is affectionate in public and in private
7. You have sleepovers
8. He calls you just to talk
9. He tells his friends that he likes you
10. He pays for you when you go out on dates
11. You pay for things too because you actually aren’t in this for free food
12. You go on dates regularly
13. You make fun plans for the future
14. He goes out of his way for you
15. You have all the right things in common
16. You have the same sense of humor
17. You have the same taste in entertainment (movies, TV, etc.)
18. He meets your co-workers
19. He holds your hand
20. He tells you he likes you and that he likes you a lot

Maybe all these things have happened to you and it did lead to a relationship. All I am saying is that I’ve spent an annoying amount of time over-analyzing too many details and it’s gotten me nowhere. Each dating situation I have learned is entirely unique and it’s too hard to really nail down why something does or doesn’t work out. Maybe everyone knows this and I’m just THAT bad at dating but if you take anything away from this, I hope it is that you do not let your friends or pop culture or the internet dictate what you think should happen when it comes to dating and relationships. Really, everything comes down to timing, and is basically a fucking crapshoot.