Another day has passed that I was talking to him, but ended up feeling like shit. About 85-90% of the time, it’s like this, I’ll be the one to reach out and text first. Of course he won’t ignore me but either the responses are short and devoid of emotion, he’s not feeling the conversation or the conversation just isn’t as flowy as it used to be. We’ve talked twice about where this was going, and he’s given me the same answer in both situations- NOWHERE. All it is for him is something on the sides; I was someone he could talk to when he was bored or when he needed a good fucking. He told me that I needed to realize that, so as I would not get hurt or develop any emotional attachment to him since he wasn’t doing any of that. Clearly, we weren’t on the same page as I was since, every day, with each conversation, no matter how bland, I’m falling head over heels. Which was pretty fucking stupid. Considering we have NEVER met, he’s specifically told me NOT to fall for him and that he just doesn’t see me that way. But yet, here I am, the hopeless romantic that I am, desperately pining for this son of a bitch.
He and I “met” on one of those websites where you get connected to strangers, Omegle. At first, I really wasn’t expecting much from it. I mean, most guys who go there are just looking for girls whom to sext with. So, when he and I started talking, it was a surprise. No, surprise is even an understatement. Considering the age difference, and everything, I was so surprised as to how much we got along. For 2 weeks, we couldn’t stop talking, and I know it wasn’t just because we were sexting, we actually really connected, we talked about everything under the sun— we shared intimate details about each other. Everything was going great until I dropped the bomb on him and asked him where this was going. He basically flat out old me nowhere. I cut off communication, but only for 2 days since I couldn’t help it. Fast forward to another month of everyday talking and a few FaceTimes, I did it again. I got the same answer from him. And although he stated that the one thing keeping him from committing was because of the distance and that he did like me, it was still a no.
So why was I still here? Why was I punishing myself day and night contemplating whether to end it and get on with my life? Why was I still pining for this guy? Why was I doing this to myself? Was it because he was handsome? No. Although I think he looks cute, he wasn’t the drop dead gorgeous kind of guy, nor was he the physically fit, “I’d lick you from the top to bottom kind”, although he did have a body. It wasn’t that. Was it because he was smart? No. I know for a fact that I am smarter than him, albeit emotionally he is. He does have a master’s degree but a friend once told me, you only needed to write a shitload of papers for that, and plus his degree wasn’t even that challenging. Was it because he was rich? Hell to the no. He was working in a restaurant that wasn’t even that high end. He earned basically less than $100/day. Basically, when I’m his age, I’d probably be earning more, fingers crossed. Was it because he was funny? Uhm, maybe. But his humor only showed rarely. He is able to carry on a conversation and make me laugh, but I think it stems from the fact that I like him, hence the giggles. So what was it? What was he doing to me that for the love of all things pretty, I wasn’t able to resist? Why was I in this loop of what I could only call an almost relationship since we were doing everything a couple does except actually commit to each other? Why was I making a big fucking fool of myself?
On a Friday afternoon, with a book in my table and coffee in my cup, I finally knew why. It was because I’m a lonely girl and he was feeding my go with companionship, even though it was only through texting and video chatting. He was making me feel like the weight is lifted off my shoulders, although I’m sure it’s all my head. It’s almost been 2 years since I’ve had a guy take me out, or even text me sweet nothings and I don’t necessarily condone my behavior but I can’t blame myself either. He awakened things inside me, made me feel like someone out there, specifically on the opposite side of the globe, on a different time zone, was talking to me and making me feel all sorts of butterflies in my stomach.
It was then that I realized how much we are willing to put up with just to alleviate this burning hole inside of us. How much we are willing to compensate just for us not to feel lonely in this forsaken world. And I know now how wrong this is. Media has made us think that because there wasn’t a guy who was pining for us, we are basically ugly women with no life. I’ve had countless almost relationships because I was lonely, because I was craving for a human connection and because it was just nice to have someone. But I know my worth now. I am more than that. I deserve a guy who actually gives a shit.
He’s probably asleep now or fucking some girl, how would I know. There are a lot of things I still don’t know about him but I do know this, today, I’m going to do myself a favor and stay away, I’m going to give my heart and my body the respect it deserves.
I’m lonely now but I’m never going to stop believing that someday, somehow, someone’s loneliness will find me and we’ll stop being lonely together.