The Letter I Never Sent To My Boyfriend’s Girlfriend

Disclaimer: “Abroad” is referring to my five month long study abroad semester in Brussels, Belgium.

I hope you’re doing better than when we last spoke, but probably not because I’m pretty much the same. My intentions for what I’m about to say are not to make you feel worse or even help me get everything off my back, it’s honestly because I think you every right to know. I want to preface this by saying that I don’t blame you for any of this, nor do I want to make this harder for you. I just have an eerie feeling that whatever he’s telling you on his end are more lies. You were so kind to me by bringing this all to my attention and telling me everything, but I can imagine that you are still driving yourself crazy with unanswered questions and incomplete facts, just as I am. This letter is for your eyes only, and my only request is that it stays this way—despite whatever happens with you and him, or how much you want to show this to your friends for advice, I really would appreciate it if it stays between us. I think we owe each other that. Because I know I am never going to see or hear from him again, I have no reason to hold back anything.

Simply put, he was simultaneously dating the both of us for the past seven months. While we didn’t become “official” until probably sometime in February, we hooked up on the first night we met and every night after that. In the process of getting close, he disclosed information about you that I was initially uncomfortable with, yet he assured me that you two were growing apart and if one of you found someone else while traveling abroad, the other would understand. When he visited you in Copenhagen, he was very open about it. He convinced me his visit, “happened to fall on Valentine’s Day weekend” and because we weren’t too serious, I obviously had to be okay with him going. In fact it was that first weekend we were not together that I myself went home with someone else. When I told him he was not happy, but quickly forgave me, and we became stronger than ever from that point on.

A few weeks later, we may as well have moved in with one another. We cooked dinner and breakfast for one another, went to school together, had lunch in between classes, made love in the middle of the day, and took long walks in the foreign city we called home for five months. When my mom visited, he spent the entire weekend with us. Following that, we travelled to Venice just he and I for a long romantic weekend, where he met more of my family. It was on the plane ride back from Venice that he first told me he loved me.

Then the nasty rumors began. At this point, I was assured things with you had been over, but heard otherwise from his friends about how he was proud of himself for playing so many girls at once. Like I told you when we spoke, I was always one to confront him about the rumors and he always convinced me I was crazy and that none of it was true. His explanations regarding you all seemed so accurate at the time, almost as if he convinced himself they were true. I believed him and understood him time and time again. He disclosed to me soon after the rumors had died down that you were coming at the end of the month. He swore to me you had made these plans months ago, and that he couldn’t just ask you to cancel your flights because he had a new girlfriend. He said you guys would remain friends and that you totally knew the extent of our relationship. He emphasized I had nothing to worry about. To show that I supported him and trusted him with you that weekend, I literally made a mini-itinerary for you two because the day before you were arriving he said he still didn’t have anything planned. I also expressed wanting to meet you because at that point I knew very little of my boyfriend’s life back home, and meeting you would have given me a glimpse of that. He said it wasn’t a good idea, and that out of respect for you didn’t want to introduce us. The most hypocritical part of it all was that no respect was involved, as he came over that Sunday you left to tell me how his weekend with you made him realize how much he loved me and wanted to be with me over you. (Again, I swear I’m not doing this to be cruel I just want you to know HIS cruelness).

When we returned from our last trip together, we hit a few bumps in the road that made him lose trust for me (how ironic) and ultimately he ended things with me three days before we were to part ways: I was going back to America and he was going on his 3-week Euro trip with his “roommates.” It was not easy for us to just completely cut ties because we had only known Brussels being together, so we carried on as per usual mostly because we knew we wouldn’t see each other for an entire month. We said goodbye on a good note, obviously ending in tears and eager to see each other back in the States to figure out whether or not we were going to pick up where we left off and start our long distance relationship.

During what I now know was a solo three week trip for you two, we kept in touch everyday. There was not one piece of my mind that thought he was hooking up with other girls on his trip, let alone that he was with you because he told me in detail about his days, his dinner plans with his boys, and details of that sort. He told me sometimes it would be hard to contact me because there wasn’t Wifi in a lot of places he was going, but that was probably because he was next to you the entire time. Despite our frequent contact, we technically were “broken up,” so he was at least single during those three weeks.

Since he returned from Europe, we texted all day everyday and FaceTimed every night before going to bed. When or how he had time to do this with both of us is the work of a pathological schemer. The most recent events are the following. I drove to his house to finally meet his family. The following weekend (last weekend) we went on our mini road trip to Pittsburgh to visit my friends from school and see Dave Matthews. You mentioned he told you about it, how we were just friends going to a concert. I will be very candid when I say we were not just friends. Like the weekend before, we spent a lot of time together talking about our future. This is when he admitted that he had cheated on you in the past, but it was a very dark place for him at the time. Given his hard life, I believed him. I saw him coming out of adversity as a compassionate, kind and gentle human being. He told me the same things he inevitably telling you, how he is a new man and would never be unfaithful to another again. That’s hysterical considering he did it as recently as a few days ago when we both thought we had him to ourselves.

I hope this gave you more of a perspective on just how bad this situation is. This all shows how good and capable he is at constant lying and manipulation. Just know that I love you’s were exchanged between he and I and we were sleeping together as recently as last weekend. It is not my place to tell you how to feel or what to do because I really don’t know you at all. Nor is this intended to shit on him because don’t get me wrong we had amazing times and I loved the guy. But just know I wouldn’t put my ass on the line and write this entire thing to you if I didn’t feel in some way compelled to make sure you protect yourself and do the right thing. He had a lie for everything, both minor things and major things, and it is all so clear to me now. I hate him so much more than I love him, and I hope the same feelings come about for you too. It makes me sick to my stomach the amount of times I was played, the severity of his lies, how disgusted I feel for not listening to my friends, and how I am confident he isn’t going to change in the future. I do not in anyway doubt the love he had for you, nor do I doubt the love he had for me, but he clearly needs help, and you have to stay strong enough to not make his problems your own. He’s downplaying his mistakes and you will never get by unless you start trying to let go. You and I both thought he was worthy of our love, and clearly this is not the case. I just want to thank you again for messaging me and unveiling the truth, because guess what? If you hadn’t, he and I would have been dating long distance, just as you and he would have been dating back at school. He would have came and met my dad and brothers next weekend, and then turned around and called you to tell you how much he misses you. You have the chance to stop these lies and prevent more pain. At the end of the day, it’s your decision to give into him or not, but I am telling you from the bottom of my broken heart that he will never learn if he gets away with this nor does he deserve someone like you. I do wish you the best, as I really do feel your pain.