Sometimes I think I chose school and work over what could have been us. I chose the future I’m not so sure I want anymore, and you chose her.
The first time we made eye contact, I knew I had you. My cousin and her stereotypical, small-town friends were standing outside of the car smoking cigarettes like all the other cliché cool kids around us, including you. I was sitting in the car, not smoking and not talking, because smiling was enough for you. You showed me the time of my life that night. It was a nice change from my routine schedule of school, work, shit, and sleep. You reminded me that I was young. I was addicted.
I’ll never stop thinking that this whole thing was just bad timing.
That following week, I spent every single night with you. We didn’t have sex, we didn’t even kiss. We talked and laughed and drove. I was infatuated with your wild spirit and wicked dance moves. My grades were slipping and I didn’t care because I liked your rugged fingers on my skinny thighs.
Then my uncle died; the one that gave the best hugs and called me string bean. I took a step back and remembered the reason why I moved a thousand miles away from my home and my friends and family like my uncle. I moved to create a better future. I had big plans and even bigger dreams that I wasn’t willing to give up, even for you.
As fun as you were, you were a catastrophic distraction. I messaged you asking for two weeks. I needed two weeks to get back on track and focus on school and work. I really just met you at the worst time possible. These last two weeks weren’t just any two weeks; they were the end of my semester. That meant endless nights reserved for studying to pass exams that I just couldn’t ignore. Summer break was the reward and we’d have the entire season to ourselves. You said okay.
I didn’t exactly stay away from you, but I didn’t get to see your sparkling blue eyes every night either. The last night I saw you, I didn’t know it would be it. I’d gotten off work over an hour before but I was still lazing on the couch in my work clothes and reeked of mushrooms and cooking grease. I got a text asking if you could pick me up. I was past exhaustion but developed an adrenaline rush when I texted back, “Let me shower first!” You picked me up an hour later and I could not stop smiling because I hadn’t seen you in a week. I missed your smile and tired eyes. We went to our favorite spot in the boons next to the river. That night was especially clear and we could see every star in the darkening sky. I made my way to your lap and discovered that I fit perfectly between each crevice of your body. I loved dancing my fingers gently across your face, and I loved that it gave you the chills. You sort of lifted me out of the window to see the Little Dipper. When I looked back down to your face, I couldn’t help but find your lips. I kissed you first. You said, “I’ve been waiting for you to do that this entire time.” We kissed some more and you flinched when I bit your lip, almost surprised. I drifted home on a cloud that night. School was coming to an end in a matter of days and I was excited for what was to come.
I should have kissed you longer.
Two days later, I seen your relationship status change from “single” to “in a relationship,” and it wasn’t with me. How could I be so stupid? How did I end up being one of those girls? You said I was too busy for you, and it was true. I was so busy, I cherished the time I had to myself and I even craved more. I didn’t have time for you, and to be honest, I didn’t try. You chose her because I chose my priorities.
I’m sorry to all the girls I should be saying, “Forget about guys like him, he doesn’t deserve you,” because the truth of the matter is, I still miss him. And I still can’t forget.