1. A pint of beer, no matter the ABV, is already half the price of that strawberry mint mojito with 8 maraschino cherries you like to order. Feel free to use the money you’ve just saved on nail polish, or anal beads, or any other girly product.
2. You’ll look less ridiculous. I know we live in a time where we are urged to express ourselves honestly despite what our neighbor may think, however, that particular ideology does not apply to beverage orders. The more colorful and complicated your drink gets, the less serious He who is buying it will take you.
3. No woman has ever ended up on the channel 7 news for breaking into her ex-boyfriend’s home after a night of beer drinking. I can’t say the same for the vodka ladies of the world.
4. Beer tastes better. A simple lager or blonde ale does not rape the taste buds like a cadillac margarita or lemon drop martini.
5. A beer hangover only requires an orange gatorade and a shower before heading to 8 a.m. work. A tequila hangover requires bandaids, a pancake breakfast, bleach, a shamwow, a steam shower, beano, a calf massage, a vente carmel frappacino, money for bail, a new iPhone, and a makeshift colostomy bag.
6. No guy ever wants to make the following request to a bartender: “One Coor’s Light, and one ‘Sex on the Beach’ with crushed ice and a blue bendy straw.”
7. Inviting the table of cute boys next you to play a game of 7/11 Doubles is a good idea with a pitcher of beer. The game will end very quickly and awkwardly if you were all playing with jack and diet cokes.
8. In most cases, a beer is less caloric than a cocktail. I know the common fear among women whilst drinking beer is that it will take their size 00 waste to a size 0, and it very well may. However, margaritas, pina coladas, and tequila sunrises will wreak absolute havoc on your plans for shorty shorts and crop tops. And it has, like, a ton of fiber in it. Right?
9. Beer has long been the drink of men, ever since the cavemen made fire and the rounded wheel and Heineken. As women, I think we owe it to our feminist sisters like Sinéad O’Connor and Mindy Kaling to show men that we know how to fucking hang.