Today A Feminist Told Me I Was Slut-Shaming For Not Wanting An Experienced Man (I’m A Virgin)

Hi Everyone, I’m Anonymous and I’m a 21-year-old virgin. Yay!

It’s a little weird, but probably more normal than you think it is. I grew up with conservative values and I don’t think everyone has to have them, but they are important to me. They are the standard I hold myself to.

It’s also a pretty unpopular opinion to be in college and purposely sexually inactive. My friends obviously understand and respect me, but I don’t advertise my values because there are a lot of people who wouldn’t understand. For example, Katie. Katie is the campus feminist mascot. She basically always has something to say about everything and is, generally, the least chill person you’ll ever meet. She’s a friend of a friend and we’re friendly, but not close.

Today I was sitting in a campus cafe with some friends when Katie came to join us. I was in the midst of discussing a guy I’d recently been hanging out with, so I continued after she sat down. This guy was great, honestly he was. He had a great heart, he was caring and affable. He always seemed happy and was the kind of guy who was always scheming up fun things to do and including new people in his plans. The problem, I said, was that I knew he was way more sexually experienced than me — not very difficult as my sexual experience is essentially nil. That’s just not what I’m looking for. I have high standards and I want someone who has those for himself too.

“Don’t you think you’re being extremely judgmental?”

Um, I wasn’t aware that I had invited Katie into the conversation, but yet here we were.

I argued back: “I guess I am making a judgement, but that’s fair, or else what would separate a guy you wanted to date from anyone else?”

“But you’re making it seem like having sex makes him a bad person. There’s nothing wrong with sex. It’s healthy.”

“I know that.”

“Then why are you slut-shaming the guy?”

“Because I want to date someone who shares my values.”

“See? You’re being overly judgmental. You need to accept views that are different from your own. Who knows? It could make your relationship stronger!”

“I know but…”

This is where the conversation ended, because, well, I didn’t want to get into a fight and I don’t want to have an enemy. I just want to be able to have my own opinions without being told that I’m wrong for not “accepting every guy for who he is.” I don’t want to accept a guy. I wouldn’t want a guy who accepted every woman. People are allowed to have standards. People should have standards. They won’t all be the same values I have, and that’s great. Choose what is important to you.

But, I don’t want to live in a world where simply having standards is seen as judgmental. The fact is that our choices say something about us. They speak to our values. And we should all strive to date someone who has them, not just any old person.